TGAO, continued

Driving in the DR, particularly in Santiago, is a challenging, frustrating, and aggravating experience. When I was thinking about buying a car I predicted that I would either be dead or in jail within 6 months of my purchase. Dead at the hand of another motorist, by gunfire or in an accident, or in jail for killing someone with my own bare hands. This Friday will mark four weeks as a driver and I am still alive and free. Sadly, my prediction is looking more and more accurate. I think that my prediction had some validity. The sense of decorum exhibited in every day life here, whether exhibited in a bank while waiting on line or driving on a street or highway, can be explained with a simple example. Imagine a shoe box filled with ants. Cut a small hole at one end slightly above the bottom of the box. Now place some sugar outside the box. Can you possibly imagine the ants forming a single file line in order to get out of the box in an orderly fashion or, more likely, can you imagine the ants climbing on top of one another in a death struggle to be the first one to get out of the box? What you get with the ants is the Dominican driving experience. To give you a little better feeling for the driving experience here I would like to present the Dominican road rules as written by someone else and amended by me:

#1. Use your horn a lot, for any reason or no reason at all. Blast the guy in front of you for stopping for a red light. In a traffic jam, lean on that horn and add all the racket you can to the general confusion. It won’t help one little bit, but you’ll have the satisfaction of making yourself heard (maybe); something like a child throwing a tantrum.

#2 Always drive at top speed. Patience is a sign of weakness.

#3. If there is a vehicle in front of you, pass it. It doesn’t matter if you have to go around it, over it, under it, or through it; you MUST get in front of it. Even if you are a bus driver and you are going to pull over and stop as soon as you have passed the other vehicle.

#4. If you are a male driver, never let a female driver pass you. A real man can’t put up with that kind of nonsense.

#5. Don’t make left turns. The driver behind you will try to pass on your left while you are doing it, because God forbid he should have to slow down or stop while you make your turn. Pull over to the right and wait until the road is clear for five miles in either direction before you turn; OR, get into the wrong lane half a mile before your turn and make your left from there.

#6. If the driver ahead of you is making a left turn, ram him.

#7. If you are coming out of a driveway or side street, and the only vehicle coming is a motorbike, pull out in front of him. In a collision between a car and a motorbike, the motorbike is going to lose, so obviously it’s up to him to stop.

#8. Ignore traffic lights. They’re only there to impress the tourists.

#9. If you are in a traffic jam, and you see an open lane which might possibly be used to unsnarl the mess, block it as quickly as possible. And don’t forget that horn.

#10. If the vehicle in front of you is passing a vehicle in front of him, pass them both so that you have three vehicles side by side in a line across the highway, going in the same direction. If you’re a public car driver, this is a great way to scare the hell out of any tourists in your car.

#11. When driving at night keep your high beams on all the time. If drivers of oncoming cars find them too bright, well, that’s what sunglasses are for.

#12. Seat belts are silly gringo decorations.

#13. If you see that the car you are overtaking is being driven by someone you know, stay alongside him for a few miles so you can have a chat.

#14. Indicator lights are there to warn other drivers of what you intend to do, but since every other driver on the road is an enemy, why should you give them any warnings?

#15. When you park your car, remember that NO PARKING signs do not apply to you personally.

#16. On the highway stay in whatever lane you choose. If you choose the left lane (considered the passing lane in many countries) stay there and drive at whatever speed you choose. Don't move aside to let someone pass. You were there first. Hold your ground.

#17. My father once said a long time ago that no matter how fast you drive there is always someone who is going to drive faster. With the exception of the people observing rule #16, everyone drives faster than you.

#18. When driving if you get the urge to pee, DO IT. Do it wherever you are. If you are on the highway pull over. If you are on a city street, park and whiz against the nearest building. What do you think your ancestors did?

#19. If there is a left turn only lane at a traffic light that has a left turn only signal, if there are less cars in that lane than the others, enter it whether you are turning left or not. You will save time forcing your way into the other lanes and sometimes if you are really lucky and there is no one in the lane a jack rabbit start will get you ahead of everyone else. This is a great chance to show your driving skill if the turn light has turned red but is still green for those going straight and now you have to merge in at high speed.

Of course, given the number of motorcycles on the road here, there are some special rules for them, too.

#1. When driving along that stretch of highway which runs through a beach town, go at your flat out, top speed. It’s your right to endanger yourself and the community; and besides, people love to hear the noise your engine makes when you have the throttle wide open - day or night.

#2. If you see a traffic jam up ahead, just use the sidewalks. If you should run down a pedestrian, it’s his fault for not jumping out of the way quickly enough.

#3. When you park your motorbike, leave it in a place where it will cause the greatest inconvenience; the road, the entrance to a driveway, the doorway of a store, etc.

#4. Hang your helmet on your handlebar so if you have an accident, people will have something to scrape your brains into after they’ve been splattered all over the road.

#5. It is not necessary to repair broken headlights or tail lights. Car drivers should be able to see you in their high beams, and they generally drive as if you’re not there anyhow.

Oh yes; a driver’s licence is nice, but who really needs one? If you do apply for one remember to bring $500 pesos ($15.00US) to insure that you pass.

Got the idea?