You Can't Make Up This Stuff

Sign I saw in Santo Domingo

This, Of Course, Was On The Outer Door

This is the label that explains how to put the instruction label on the door to the fire hose in the new hospital in Santiago. It is not the label that is supposed to be on the door. It doesn't matter, however, because, no one speaks or understands English.

Home Of The Battery Free Flashlight

This store sells all the shit that you see in informercials. Bogus exercise stuff, weird ovens, and just a load of other junk. Funny thing is, there's actually a chain of these stores.

The Real Name, No Kidding

Shithara

When Is A Broken Clock Right Four Times A Day?

When the clock is in Santo Domingo. Last week I was in the capital and saw the clock that you can barely make out under the striped sign. I was stuck in the same spot for more than 8 minutes, due to the horrible traffic jams that are a normal part of life in Santo Domingo. During that time I noticed that the clock kept changing the time. It kept alternating between 12:04 and 12:16, for the whole time I was stuck at this intersection. You can't really make out the time on either of the two pictures that I took, but trust me on this one.

Sometimes The Legend Plays Without His Glasses

I recently was the Tournament Director at a tournament in Santiago. Jacobo Fernandez, one of the great players in the game, and a really nice guy to boot, played in it. The picture behind him, of himself, is always there, whether he is or not.

Not Only Dogs Love To Put Their Heads Out The Windows Of Moving Cars

Lucky Shoes

Once in a while I allow someone to see how crazy I really am. By revealing myself here I don't really feel as though I am letting anyone in on a secret, since no one but myself reads this. Massiel is probably the only person to whom I confide my lunacy. I am actually borderline Obsessive Compulsive. I have known it for a long time. It's manageable because it only has to do with a few numbers. 3 and 4 to be precise. I was always afraid of heights. I used to hate flying. However, in the early 90s I started to fly a lot. It got to the point where I actually enjoyed it. I had one ritual that may have gotten me started on my O/C journey. I remember that whenever I would go into the bathroom, after using it, I would always wash my hands. Anybody reading this blog on a regular basis knows that already. However the washing became somewhat ritualized. I had to hit the soap dispenser three times and take four paper towels to dry my hands. Some how the three hits of the soap dispenser has always stayed with me. The four paper towels, however, has morphed into something much bigger. First of all, many times the towel dispensers give out such paltry paper towels that more are needed. What to do? If you guessed that I take 8, you are correct, Sir. But the number 4 has lead me by the nose. Everything that I take, be it mints or sips of a drink, or anything, has to be done in multiples of four. I make myself a salad most mornings that consists of 4 tomatos and some queso crema, kind of a cream cheese (which is what it means), but somewhat different. I use 4 large squirts of salad dressing and the day goes from there. If I am playing Poker online (which I do regularly at miniscule stakes) I play 4 tables simultaneously. You get the idea. As crazy with the number 4 as I am I never really considered myself to be superstitious. That's really what O/C disorder is, just a prolonged, never ending superstition. Now however I have to come to grips with the demon of flat out superstition.

I was never what one could consider a clothes horse during the years I lived in New York. I dressed well, I thought, and always bought good clothing. I always bought expensive shoes and since I was in the garment business, I always made sure that the quality of the clothing I bought was very good. I never bought crap. I shopped in good stores and enjoyed the clothing that I bought. The proof of the pudding is in the eating and so it is with clothes. Good clothes/shoes last. I have been here 10 years and since I am not exactly flush with money, one of the things that I have not bought is clothing. The other is shoes. I came down to the DR with about 5 pairs of shoes and a few pair of boots. Three of the five pair are still wearable. They have needed repairs at times, but they still look good. One pair of brown shoes, however died about 3 months ago, and I needed new ones. Massiel took me out to force me to buy some new ones. I am now the proud owner of Lucky Brown shoes. I won't go into detail, but several really terrific things happened the first time I wore them. One worth mentioning is that I ran into someone I hadn't seen in a long time and his greeting to me was, "Hey, I owe you money, don't I? Here it is". The night only got better from there.

This Is Harry

And this is the bed under which he lives.

Great Tree

Every year the tree in front of City Hall is beautifully done up in lights, and every year I think to myself, "I really have to take a picture of it". Well, this year, I did.

So Just Exactly Who Is Losing?

The baseball scores
The Escogido are staying strong atop the Dominican Winter League standings. Last night they beat the Toros 7-2 and added a 2-game cushion to their lead. The Aguilas beat up on the Estrellas 4-2, while the Gigantes beat the Tigres 6-4.
Standings

Team	W-L	Avg.	Diff.
ESCOGIDO	25 - 16	.610	--
LICEY	24 - 18	.571	2.0
AZUCAREROS	24 - 18	.571	2.0
GIGANTES	21 - 21	.500	5.0
AGUILAS	20 - 22	.476	6.0

CIty Slickers Kind Of Sums It Up

Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so quickly. When you're a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, "What happened to my twenties?" Your forties, you grow a little pot belly you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud and one of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Your fifties you have a minor surgery. You'll call it a procedure, but it's a surgery. Your sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud but it doesn't matter because you can't hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, you start eating dinner at two, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate in soft yogurt and muttering "how come the kids don't call?" By your eighties, you've had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can't stand but who you call mama. Any questions?

Today's YouTube Discoveries

1) Bob and Ray on the Johnny Carson Show. Great

2) Whose line is it anyway? Bloopers. This was a great show without the cursing and with it, it is even funnier. For example: Two flies are on a piece of shit. One of them farts. The other one says, "Please, I'm eating"

There's A Word For That

Last night, for the first time in almost a month, I went to play cards. I haven't played live in almost a month. If you stop to consider how much I love to play, and more importantly that I have a backer, which means that I can never lose my own money (only win), you would have to come to the conclusion that there is something wrong with the game, if I haven't played in a month. There is. The dealers are horrendous and pay no attention to the action, on top of which they have no idea how to shuffle, cut, display the flop, or deal. The players who play at this casino are the most miserable group of miscreants in the world, mostly thugs of varying degrees. The players take money back from the pot when the dealers are distracted, which is always. They plays as teams, they talk about the hands in progress and what they folded, and have taken control of the game away from dealers. They do whatever they want and noone ever says jack shit about it. The music is not only loud but it is awful, as well. I hope for the band leaders sake that the female singer sucks dick better than she sings. Although come to think of it, she would have to. How else could he allow her to make that awful noise into a microphone if she didn't.

There is a new fashion taking place. Watches the size of motor scooter tires are now La Moda. Some of the players seemed to be taking part in an ugly watch contest. These are a few of the entries.

And The Winner Is (Drum Roll Please)

It's bigger than his wrist, and the picture doesn't do justice to its height, or ugliness.

Two More

French Kiss

Second Hand Lions

I Saved This A Long Time Ago

Shit, They Did That One Already

I knew it sounded familiar. The story mentioned below has already been written. The War of the Roses.
Shit.

Publish Post

My First Short Story

I have always had this desire to write but never had a subject about which to write. That is, of course, other than these blog postings. But something has changed and I think that I have my first original idea. Massiel and I have had a running joke for a long time about who will get what when we get divorced. I really think that we get along too well for that ever to happen, which is why we can joke about it. One day, a couple of months ago, I went around the apartment and started putting Post-its with either the letter J or M on everything. That would be how we could decide the ownership of each article. Not that we have that many possessions, but suddenly whatever there was had an initial on it. We left them on for a long time. We have a clay urn in the living room that is painted a dark brown color. It is pictured above. It has 3 bamboo poles in it. It is without any question the favorite thing I have ever owned. It is Massiel's favorite thing (other than me) as well. Massiel and I have said that for sure now we will never separate because she will never give up its ownership and neither will I. We talked about the possibility of cutting it in half and a la the King Solomon story we both decided that we were the rightful owner because neither of us could see it come to that end.
But these conversations have gotten me thinking of a story about a couple that had something that they both valued so much that as their relationship deteriorated (ours gets better) they both started planning ways to do in their spouse so that they could wind up with this special object. I see it as a funny story. Stay tuned........

We Were Very Bored

Wow, That's One Big Baby

That's Right, She Washes The Egg Shell

Massiel doesn't like the fact that eggs come out from an opening in the chicken's body. So, she washes them before opening them.

I Am Not Above Telling A Joke

A three year old boy is standing in the bathroom holding his private parts when his mother comes in.
"Mom, are these my brains?"
The Mom says, "No, not yet"

My Sentiments Precisely (Only I Spell a Little Better)

There's A Word For That

Thanks to Dave for teaching me.....


There's a word for that.......Dominican

My Sentiments Precisely

http://www.bettybowers.com/compare.html

World's Foremost Authority

My ex-wife loves to take every opportunity to try to show me how much she knows. She reminds me of a comic by the name of Dr. Irwin Corey. He was well known 40 years ago. I got to know him personally back in the mid 60's when I worked with him at the Playboy Club. He was billed as the World's Foremost Authority and his entire act was based on his way of double talking, and the fact that every definitive understandable statement he made was wrong. He was a very funny guy, a bit of a dirty old man when it came to the Bunnies, but very funny. (When I started to write this entry, I checked out YouTube to see if they had any old videos and I discovered that he is still working and he is 94 years old.)
On Friday night, my daughter asked that I go to dinner with her, Michael (her fiance) and her mother. I was not anxious to spend any more time with Bonnie than was absolutely necessary, but my daughter asked so I acquiesced. We went to a sushi restaurant which used to be called Fujiyama Mama. Michele and I ate there usually about twice a week. I love sushi and since Bonnie didn't like sushi I loved to go there. It was like the vacations that Michele and I used to take during her Christmas vacation. We always went skiing. Bonnie hated cold weather. Bonnie now eats sushi and this is the neighborhood cool Japanese restaurant. Some of her drinking friends were in there and sent champagne to the table which was very nice. I don't really drink anymore, so I just took a sip to be polite.
The waiter came over to take the drink order and while he was there Michael asked for an order of Etamomi, or something that sounded like that, to be brought to the table right away to snack on. (That's a dangling preposition, I know, but I would rather write this sentence than go back and correct it.) Bonnie said to make it two orders. I asked what they were ordering and Bonnie was like, "Don't you know? It's pea pods". The waiter said, "No Ma'am, they are soy beans". Made my day.

Front Row Center For "The Bathroom Follies"

Apparently there are two types of doors that are used on airplanes for the bathrooms. One is your basic turn the handle and pull type. The other is the type with a hinge that runs from the top to the bottom of the door and must be pushed in the middle from the outside in order to open. This was the type of door on the bathroom on my flight from Santiago to New York. My seat was right in front of the door. No one, nobody, not one person could figure out how to use the door. Myself and the other three people in my row were entertained by a constant flow of people needing to use the bathroom but unable to open the door. Most of them pushed at the wrong spot on the door, some with great force. Others, seeing a handle a good distance from the door tried pulling that to no avail. At first, a woman across the aisle from me offered advice to the people as they struggled. After a while, however, she was so convulsed in laughter that she was unable to help. Of course, once they got in many of them were clueless as to how to get out. We watched as these people banged and pulled and struggled with the door. Once these people finally got in they were so happy that many did not fully close the door which meant that the light did not come on. A couple of men actually peed and prevented the door from closing with their free hand or their backs. All they had to do was to close and lock the door to turn the light on, but that was clearly beyond their comprehension. One guy finally fought his way in and after a couple of minutes (really) finally locked the door. He of course could not figure out how to unlock it and once again the woman on my right had to get up to shout instructions to him. One guy brought his son to use the bathroom and stood outside holding the door open until he was finished. Because the state of plumbing in many parts of the country is so bad in the DR many people are afraid to flush their used toilet paper. They leave it on the side of the toilet usually in a waste basket. The plane has no waste basket nest to the toilet ( used paper is supposed to be flushed and their is a slot next to the sink for paper towels) so the people, and it looked like all of them, left all their used paper next to the toilet. What a stench.

My favorite bathroom customer, however, had to be the "Joe Cool" guy dressed in green pants, purple shirt and over sized sun glasses. He could not get in the bathroom and then he couldn't get out of the bathroom. An hour and a half later he again could not get in the bathroom and once again had to yell for help to get out. I would gladly have paid extra for my seat.

Good Thing They Let The People Know This

If they thought it was only 3 years they might do it more often.

My Trip To New York

I was leaving for New York last Thursday and I wanted to get to the airport early so that I could get an Exit row seat. They have a lot more leg room and the last thing I wanted was to be sitting next to some oversized, loud talking local. I arrived at the airport at about 10:00 A.M. for a 12:05 P.M. flight and got the seat I wanted. I went to look for something to read which served as a reminder of the state of education here in the DR. There were three DUFRY stores at the airport. That is Dominican English for Duty Free. But, more importantly there was not a newspaper, magazine, or book for sale at any one of them. Nothing to read for sale at the airport. What an amazing concept. I thought that I remembered, from previous trips, that they sold those things at the airport. They probably didn't have enough customers to make it worth their while so they discontinued carrying those things.

As I sat waiting there were several things that I noticed. As per always, there were 4 people in a hot conversation about flying and of course two of them, one a woman, were talking as loudly as they could. I would describe it as a modified shouting match, only it was just a conversation. I encounter this everywhere I go. People have no idea of how to control the volume of their voices.

I started to read on the Internet on my Blackberry and out of the corner of my eye I began to notice people arriving in wheel chairs. It was just one or two at first, but the number started to swell and about a half an hour later I looked up and found myself surrounded by people in wheel chairs. I have seen people in wheel chairs waiting to board a plane before, but I have never seen this many. There looked to be about 10, at least. I made a note at the time that this was a really excessive number and since I feel that most Dominicans think being sneaky is an admirable quality, the note mentions that there must be some advantage that they get by sitting in these chairs. Then I realized what it was. The people in wheelchairs are the first people allowed on the plane and they get to board in an unhurried manner. After all of the "wheelies" were brought to the gate they started to board the other passengers. My group was the first called and when I got to the gate I saw that they hadn't started to load the "wheelies". I counted and altogether there were 14 people in pictures. I took the above photo while they were still waiting. My phone camera does not have a wide angle lens, I couldn't get all of them in the picture, but trust me, there were 14.

It wasn't until we arrived in New York that I realized that I was on a "Plane of Miracles". People go to Lourdes or other Holy places to be healed. Apparently Dominicans take a flight to the US. During the flight, several people whom I had noticed in the wheel chairs suddenly were up and walking around the cabin. Dominicans hate to wait. They drive on the shoulders of a highway all the time and often use the shoulder (on either side of the highway) as a passing lane walk to the front of the line and always go through red lights. They clearly don't want to wait until the plane is unloaded for someone to bring them their wheel chair. When we arrived in New York I was one of the first people off the plane and I noticed that there were only 5 wheel chairs waiting. I asked one of the attendants and they told me that only 5 were requested. Apparently the others were cured by the flight.

Earth Calling Mars, Earth Calling Mars

Let Me Get This Straight

You can shoot the workers outside the factory, but not inside? Got it? Thanks.

What Is Luxury?

While I was in Haiti I stayed at the finest hotel in Dajabon. That is my walk in closet. Well maybe that is my Walking Closet (see earlier post for picture). The other photo is of my room, taken from the outside. You can see the sides of the door. The bed is pressed up to the wall on the left, which you can't see. You can, however, see the wall on the right. At the rear right is the table. Actually, it is more like half of an ironing board.

My American Idol Audition

I spent all of last week in Haiti. To be more accurate, A, it was only the work week, and B, when you cross into the Free Zone you are in Haiti. All the other time was spent in Dajabon, the Dominican border town. Well, it wasn't really American Idol, but it was an audition. Grupo M is the largest manufacturer of clothing in the DR. They have moved a lot of their operation to Haiti and they are in the process of moving everything there for many reasons. The labor is cheaper, the labor laws are much more favorable and I would be pretty sure that they are getting huge concessions from the Haitian government. I would guess that they are giving employment to close to 5,000 people that never had jobs before. These workers are only interested in doing their jobs well. They are very cooperative and that number should grow steadily in the coming years. The factories that I visited are huge. And hot? It was usually over 100 degrees on the floor after 1 P.M. I was there to observe and I did get a little involved with a number of things in a number of factories. If there were a job title that I could invent to describe what I could best bring to the company it would be "Director of Enlightened Thinking and Common Sense". They don't have any of either. The majority of the management is only interested in doing what it takes to get by. They certainly, from what I could tell from my short time there, don't have any interest in improving what they do.
(Photo explanation-In the DR the people who can afford one, and that is not everyone, drive a motor bike or scooter to work. They are considered the "wealthier" workers. In Haiti, the rich ones have bicycles, which they store on hooks, as seen in the photo.)

More Later

The Perfect Age

This is a theory that I came up with a long time ago and had forgotten about it till today. If I have ever had to guess a girl's age I have always said 27. It's the perfect age to guess. If the girl is younger than 27 she will be flattered that she looks mature, more like an older woman. If, on the other hand, the woman is older than 27 she will be delighted that she looks younger. Wait a minute. No wonder I had forgotten about it. Other than Massiel, most of the women in my life over the past 15 years have all been so old that this wouldn't work. Somehow the idea of using 37, 47 or more doesn't seem to be so clever. But if the person is in the 20-35 years old range, go with 27.

Majung Fish

Massiel and I, along with her friend Yadira, drove over to Maimon today. Tomorrow is Massiel's birthday. Being a huge fan of birthdays, I felt badly that I am forced to go to Haiti tomorrow morning. I will be spending the whole week there. It is sort of an audition for a job, which I need. Maimon is on the way to Puerto Plata and it is known as a town full of roadside stands that sell very fresh fish, usually fried. It's really great food. When I asked Massiel what we could do to celebrate her birthday today, this was her idea. The place that I always go to (I should mention that I have probably eaten in Maimon 5 times in ten years) is called Jhoan's. Today when we got there at 3 o'clock and it was jammed. We had to wait about 20 minutes for a table and when we finally got one it took a while for them to clean it. When everything was ready and the waitress came over to take our order I ordered my favorite, which is Mero. Massiel in her truly discerning manner told the waitress, " Just bring me something big. Any type of fish, just make it big". I told Massiel that I hoped that they brought her this "new" fish that has become popular. She asked what kind and I told her it was the Majung fish, majung being the word for big turd in Spanish. I described it as being a long brown fish with wings.

Mangled English

Me, I'd prefer a walk in closet.

Hey, Where Have You Been?

I haven't been writing for a while. I have been kind of bummed by my lack of activity lately. I did go to Haiti, but that was kind of boring as well. Anyway, I was watching the NBC Nightly News and they had an ad for a stop smoking drug called Chantix. Once before, with a drug called Abilify, I posted the warning that comes with it, but this was too good to pass up.

Warning:

Serious neuropsychiatric events, including, but not limited to depression, suicidal ideation, suicide attempt and completed suicide have been reported in patients taking CHANTIX. Some reported cases may have been complicated by the symptoms of nicotine withdrawal in patients who stopped smoking. Depressed mood may be a symptom of nicotine withdrawal. Depression, rarely including suicidal ideation, has been reported in smokers undergoing a smoking cessation attempt without medication. However, some of these symptoms have occurred in patients taking CHANTIX who continued to smoke.

All patients being treated with CHANTIX should be observed for neuropsychiatric symptoms including changes in behavior, hostility, agitation, depressed mood, and suicide-related events, including ideation, behavior, and attempted suicide. These symptoms, as well as worsening of pre-existing psychiatric illness and completed suicide have been reported in some patients attempting to quit smoking while taking CHANTIX in the post-marketing experience. When symptoms were reported, most were during CHANTIX treatment, but some were following discontinuation of CHANTIX therapy.

These events have occurred in patients with and without pre-existing psychiatric disease. Patients with serious psychiatric illness such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and major depressive disorder did not participate in the pre-marketing studies of CHANTIX and the safety and efficacy of CHANTIX in such patients has not been established.

Advise patients and caregivers that the patient should stop taking CHANTIX and contact a healthcare provider immediately if agitation, hostility, depressed mood, or changes in behavior or thinking that are not typical for the patient are observed, or if the patient develops suicidal ideation or suicidal behavior. In many post-marketing cases, resolution of symptoms after discontinuation of CHANTIX was reported, although in some cases the symptoms persisted; therefore, ongoing monitoring and supportive care should be provided until symptoms resolve.

The risks of CHANTIX should be weighed against the benefits of its use. CHANTIX has been demonstrated to increase the likelihood of abstinence from smoking for as long as one year compared to treatment with placebo. The health benefits of quitting smoking are immediate and substantial.

Thanks To Landover Baptist

Something You Will Rarely See Done By A Dominican, Part 2

Clean Up, Aisle 7, CLean Up, Aisle 7

This is what can happen if you are using an electric mixer to make chocolate pudding and the spoon you are using to scrape the sides of the bowl touches the beaters. Ask me how I know. The neon yellow thing in the middle of the top picture is a bottle of Joy Dish Washing Liquid that is indiscernible because it is covered in pudding. The walls, the floor, the dishes that were clean, everything was covered in chocolate. Worst of all, the mixer didn't survive.

The Soundtrack Of My Life ( For the past month)

The second post that I ever wrote, "Screw Star Cable" dealt with the constant changing of the US channels available on cable here, to whatever baseball game was on that some technician in the control room wanted to see. We switched to Aster Cable about two weeks after I wrote that and have never been sorry. The service is almost problem free. No more loss of signal due to rain, and more importantly no more channel changes. And then, as if the guy from Star moved to Aster, it started again. Only this time with a difference. I looked up these dates, in the interest of being exact. Tiger Woods, maybe my favorite sports personality was doing well in a tournament in August. Aster cable does not provide the CBS Network. Sometimes I will watch the final day of a golf tournament on one of the ESPN stations that only broadcast in Spanish. Most sports are visual, and can be watched with the sound off with very little lost. I was home on Sunday the 2nd of August and while channel surfing I discovered that someone at Aster likes golf. There was the golf final on my cable, and, as a bonus, when it ended they stayed with CBS and I got to watch 60 Minutes, which for me used to be a "never miss" program. Two weeks later with Woods again in contention the same channel change was made. I don't even remember if Tiger won, but I do remember that when the tourney was over the again stayed with the network and again I got to see 60 Minutes. This had a profound effect on my life. The last story was about Chris Martin and the group Coldplay. I was only slightly aware of their music, having heard, and downloaded, Viva La Vida. I was really impressed with Chris Martin's personality. He was absolutely charming, and really clever. I enjoyed the interview so much that I went to the 60 Minutes website and watched it again. During the interview Steve Croft mentions several of their most popular songs. I wrote them down and download them from LimeWire. I loved them. I remembered that Michele had, by accident, left the Coldplay Live 2003 CD with me on a visit about 3 years ago. I had listened to the first song, wasn't that impressed and never listened again. Now I tried it again. It was like discovering The Beatles "Sgt. Pepper", or some other amazing album. It was the most amazing music that I have heard in the last 20 years. What has happened since August 16th is that whenever I am in my car, which is often or when I am using my Blackberry to listen to music I only listen to Coldplay. But I mean I listen a lot. All the time. So much so that I hear the music in my sleep. As I am waking up I often do so humming one of their songs. If I am at the computer I listen to them as well. Wow. They are soooooooooooo good.

Hey Brazil: You'd Better Hope It's Not Germany

Funniest headline I have seen in a long time:

Brazil and France sign a comprehensive defense agreement


Imagine believing that the French will come to your aid or anyone's aid, for that matter. Ha ha ha ha ha.

What are these guys smoking?

Something That You Will Rarely See Done By A Dominican

My Day, Part 3

When we arrived at our destination, the office of the Sub Director of the Free Zones, Belkis Luna we were ushered into a very plush waiting area which contained two very expensive looking leather sofas and another piece of art. Finally we were allowed to enter her office. Rafael had told me beforehand not to let on that I spoke or understood Spanish so I had to do what I do best. I acted ignorant. I was introduced as the customer who was waiting anxiously for his merchandise. I found it a little distressing that the whole time that we were in her office her television was on, even though the sound was off. Periodically she would ignore us in order to watch it. It took about an hour to get everything worked out. When we left I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off my back. The ride back was uneventful. I got home at about 3:00 and promptly went to sleep.

My Day, Part 2

So we pick up this other guy and he says that he will drive from La Vega to the capital. No problem there. Who could drive more dangerously than a tailgater like Rafael? Well, for one, someone who drives in excess of 90 miles an hour on the highways here, is at least tied with Rafael. I thought, a couple of times, that I was going to shit my pants, or die. A couple of times I was close to both. They were busy jabbering away in Spanish up in the front front so I disappeared into my Blackberry. Only Coldplay going and coming. In addition I have a Texas Hold'em game downloaded so that helped to keep my attention from his driving, as well. I have been to Santo Domingo enough time to know my way around the city. I don't know the names of any of the sections other than the Malecon which is the area fronting on the ocean (Mar Caribe). I was under the impression that I knew where we were going and when we found ourselves off the main highway and on city streets that were clogged with traffic moving at a snail's pace I asked if we were going someplace else. I was told that Perroa had gotten off the highway too soon and now we were forced to endure the traditionally horrific Santo Domingo traffic. Finally we got to the building that I thought we were going to and of course we couldn't find anywhere to park, so Rafael and I were dropped off. We were at the Custums (Aduanas) building. Not particularly impressive from the outside. We went to a desk with three women sitting at it. We had to wait in line so that Rafael could announce that we were there with an appointment to the woman on the right, who in turn passed us on to the woman in the middle, WHO IN TURN PASSED US ON TO THE WOMAN ON THE LEFT. Typical Dominican Efficiency. Believe it or not, she sent us to the desk opposite hers. By this time, about 20 minutes, Perroa had parked the car and joined us. As we were waiting at the last desk he called upstairs to the person we were there to see who then called down to the desk to authorize our passage to her 4th floor office. As soon as we went inside I was struck by the number of paintings and sculptures. They were everywhere you looked. As we waited for the elevator the power went out. I didn't want to take a chance on getting stuck if it went out again while we were in the elevator so I announced that I was walking up, and they decided to join me. As we walked up the artwork increased in volume. They were crammed against one another on the walls in the hallways and stairways. Some looked very costly and all were accompanied by a plaque telling about the artist. Many were very well known. Some were quite stunning and others were quite horrible. I could have filled my phone with photos, but I was afraid that some self important security guard would hassle me for my picture taking so I only snapped a few.

My Day, Part 1

For the past year and a half I have been involved in manufacturing bras in a factory in La Vega. Sadly it never reached what we were told was its potential and the decision was made, about a month ago, to close it down. We finished the work that we had and all we had to do was ship the finished bras, uncut fabric and trim, along with some sewing machines back to the US and that would be it. Not so easy. There are not a lot of things that have been developed in the DR to the extent to which the bureaucracy has. Each person involved with the process has forced the factory owner, Rafael, to jump through a different hoop. Meanwhile, I have all sorts of people expressing all sorts screaming and carrying on, not caring to understand what it is like to try to do something that is actually as simple as shipping a container. Monday we were told we had all necessary approval. Monday afternoon we discovered there were more papers necessary. In an effort to help in any way that I could, I volunteered to go to Santo Domingo with Rafael, to see if the presence of an Americano would help move the process along.

This morning at 6:50 Rafael picked me up. I offered to drive. When I have gone anywhere with Rafael I have always offered to drive. He loves to speed. I have no problem with that, I drive quickly as well. However, Rafael likes to do a hemorrhoid check on the drivers in front of him and in order to do that he climbs up the asshole of every car in front of him. It can really be frightening. He declined my offer so I told him why I always want to drive. He promised not to do it and we drove to the factory in La Vega. There were a couple of things that Rafael had to do and once he finished doing them we went to find a fellow by the name of Perroa. He works for the Free Zone Association and is friendly with the person we were going to see in the capital. I worked this past weekend at a Poker tournament in the capital and on the way I realized that I should have brought my camera. The trip through the countryside always brings home how beautiful the island is. It's amazing. This time I did take my camera. The above pictures were taken going to and from Santo Domingo. They don't really do justice to the beauty.

Bring Out the Hoses

If you look carefully, you will see two guys on a motorbike on the left, a fully loaded truck on the right, and something that you can't see in front of them that is spewing out the most disgusting black smoke imaginable. This is a common occurrence on all the streets and highways here. I have the solution. Cops must be equipped with hoses that they will run from the exhaust pipe into the cabin where the driver sits. Normally the driver is never aware of what he leaves behind him, and if he is he certainly doesn't care. If he had to deal with it, however, somehow I can't help but think that the drive would somehow find someone to fix it. And quickly.

Dominican Especialistas

The sign over the company name, REBASER, says that they are specialists in garbage and junk collection. For me, those are not the most impressive specialists in the country. A couple of years ago Massiel took a course in medical sales for which she received a degree. The school that she went to had a big ceremony at which all the different courses of study presented their "Graduates". My favorite group getting their degrees were the "Specialists in Acrylic Nails". Looking out how that spells out, I kind of prefer the Spanish version, "Especialista in UÑAS Acrylica." Sounds more powerful.

Hold On

I know that I shouldn't be taking pictures while driving. Sometimes its just too hard to resist. These guys are on a "chicken" truck, and I would imagine that their job, other than holding on for dear life, is to load and unload the truck. Since they don't fit in the front cabin, this is how they are forced to travel. Believe it or not there IS a seatbelt law here. I there were to be an accident at a speed of 60 or 70 mph, how badly would these guys be hurt? The driver sure as shit doesn't care.

Soon To Be Seen on Your Street, Maybe Even In Your Garage

The Three Penis Rule.

I have written before about the fact that most of the local citizenry do not wash their hands after taking a leak. I have developed the above mentioned rule and was forced to implement it at a tournament in Santo Domingo. I was the Tournament Director and of course everyone that knew me, which was most of the players, wanted to shake my hand. I tried not do but eventually there was no way I could avoid it. Sometimes I offered a fist bump, or I gave them a couple of fingers of my left left hand, but it didn't always work. Always running through my thoughts at times like this is that I know that they never wash their hands after peeing. Why should I risk disease or illness by shaking a hand that I know just recently held a penis and had not been washed since. In situations like this I invoke the 3 Penis Rule. If my right hand gets shaken 3 times or more, which makes me feel as though I have touched those peoples penises by proxy, I must wash my own hand before I touch any part of my body like my face, or more importantly before I start to take a leak. If I wanted my dick to meet their dicks, I would make different arrangements.

How Can You Tell It's Garbage Pickup Day?