Bring Out the Hoses

If you look carefully, you will see two guys on a motorbike on the left, a fully loaded truck on the right, and something that you can't see in front of them that is spewing out the most disgusting black smoke imaginable. This is a common occurrence on all the streets and highways here. I have the solution. Cops must be equipped with hoses that they will run from the exhaust pipe into the cabin where the driver sits. Normally the driver is never aware of what he leaves behind him, and if he is he certainly doesn't care. If he had to deal with it, however, somehow I can't help but think that the drive would somehow find someone to fix it. And quickly.

Dominican Especialistas

The sign over the company name, REBASER, says that they are specialists in garbage and junk collection. For me, those are not the most impressive specialists in the country. A couple of years ago Massiel took a course in medical sales for which she received a degree. The school that she went to had a big ceremony at which all the different courses of study presented their "Graduates". My favorite group getting their degrees were the "Specialists in Acrylic Nails". Looking out how that spells out, I kind of prefer the Spanish version, "Especialista in UÑAS Acrylica." Sounds more powerful.

Hold On

I know that I shouldn't be taking pictures while driving. Sometimes its just too hard to resist. These guys are on a "chicken" truck, and I would imagine that their job, other than holding on for dear life, is to load and unload the truck. Since they don't fit in the front cabin, this is how they are forced to travel. Believe it or not there IS a seatbelt law here. I there were to be an accident at a speed of 60 or 70 mph, how badly would these guys be hurt? The driver sure as shit doesn't care.

Soon To Be Seen on Your Street, Maybe Even In Your Garage

The Three Penis Rule.

I have written before about the fact that most of the local citizenry do not wash their hands after taking a leak. I have developed the above mentioned rule and was forced to implement it at a tournament in Santo Domingo. I was the Tournament Director and of course everyone that knew me, which was most of the players, wanted to shake my hand. I tried not do but eventually there was no way I could avoid it. Sometimes I offered a fist bump, or I gave them a couple of fingers of my left left hand, but it didn't always work. Always running through my thoughts at times like this is that I know that they never wash their hands after peeing. Why should I risk disease or illness by shaking a hand that I know just recently held a penis and had not been washed since. In situations like this I invoke the 3 Penis Rule. If my right hand gets shaken 3 times or more, which makes me feel as though I have touched those peoples penises by proxy, I must wash my own hand before I touch any part of my body like my face, or more importantly before I start to take a leak. If I wanted my dick to meet their dicks, I would make different arrangements.

How Can You Tell It's Garbage Pickup Day?

It's Onion Day

Around the corner from the bank at which Massiel works is the fresh vegetable market. Thursday apparently is Onion Day.

I Just Read On MSN.com That Some Parents Of Kindergarten Aged Kids Have Been Sending Them To Tutors

I guess that this blog has kind of morphed into a social commentary on the practices of the people of the DR. Here's a beauty. School started yesterday, the 17th of August. If you live in the US, you know how exciting it is to go to school the first day, with your new supplies, shoes, and notebooks. It's a tradition. Here they have another tradition. In the country ranked in the bottom 20 for primary education in the world, the tradition is to not send your kids to school during the first week. Maybe go for one or two days out of the first 5, maybe not. The parents, most of whom don't give a shit about their children's education figure that nothing much is going to be taught the first week, so why bother sending them

I'll Meet You At The Corner Of ? And ?

"Listen. I'm over here in the new development. Why not meet me over here. I am on the corner of, wait a minute let me get closer to the sign so I can read it."

A Very Important, Reverent Day

Today, August 16th is a very important holiday in the Dominican Republic. It is called Restoration Day. On this day in 1863 Dominicans started a war of independence against the Spanish colonial army. It is also the anniversary of my marriage to Michele's mother, Bonnie. I prefer to remember it as the day that both Babe Ruth and Elvis Presley died. It's less painful that way.

In the DR all the patriotic citizens hang their flags where everyone can see them, with pride. My favorite this year is the way my neighbor decided to hang her flag and her laundry together. That's her underwear on the right hand side behind her cactus plant. The rest of the clothes are hanging behind the flag and don't show up well in the photo. Trust me, they're there.

When You Are 64 It Sucks To Have A Prostate

'Nuff said.

Warning: I Have The Solution, I Just Have To Find Out Where To Buy One

The worst thing about owning a car in the Dominican Republic is driving it here. I have raved and ranted about the inconsiderate, stupid (go back and read "Sometimes you just have to vent" if you need more adjectives to choose from) drivers here. I thought a while ago about the solution, but I have finally seen it. On my way to and from La Vega every day I pass an Army fort. They recently redid the front of it. A real waste of money. Now the gates are 15 foot long rifles that go up and down to admit entrants. On either side of the gates now sit small tanks. I want one. Many times I have told Massiel that a tank is the solution to all the assholes that enter intersections without looking and cause cars to swerve to avoid them. Give me one of these small tanks and I will gladly collide with all these jerks. Just imagine an article in all the newspapers telling about this mad man (me) who is crashing into the front ends of cars entering intersections when they shouldn't, and then driving away laughing, maniacally. I don't think that it would take more than a couple of days for the word to spread and for this dangerous driving practice to stop. Anyone know where I can get one of these cheap?

Whose Is Which, or is it Which is Whose?

Massiel felt like eating Mexican tonight. And she is on a diet. Clue to the answer: We both finished everything, although to be honest, I did have a small bite of hers.

The Question Of The Day

I am trying to help a worker at the factory get his Visa. First you have to buy a pin number in order to be able to call the US Consulate. Then you have to buy an appointment. Altogether this costs about $155. Then you have to fill out the forms. On the second page this question appears:

Do you seek to enter the United States to engage in export control violations, subversive or terrorist activities, or any other unlawful purpose? Are you a member or representative of a terrorist organization as currently designated by the US Secretary of State? Have you ever participated in persecutions directed by the Nazi government of Germany; or have you ever participated in genocide?

After the questions there are two boxes of which you have to check one. There is a Yes box and a No box. Why is there no box that says, "Yes, but let me explain"? Also, does being honest in answering this question count for anything, if the answer is yes? Has it ever happened that a clerk reviewing a Yes answer to this question decided to allow the applicant to receive his visa because he seemed like a good guy? And if his boss saw an approval for a "Yes checker" would the clerk be in trouble?

I guess that is more than one question. This post should have been entitled The Questions Of The Day.

N Family Classics, Part II

How could I possibly have forgotten Leap of Faith?

Words That Shouldn't Exist, But Do

Schadenfreude

A sense of satisfaction or pleasure caused by someone else's misfortune. What kind of person gets off watching someone else suffer? Obviously some people must because the word exists to describe how they feel. If no one ever felt this way there probably would not be a word to describe it.

Platinado

This word exists only in the Dominican Republic. The most commonly eaten food, native to the DR, is platano. Platanos are a staple of poor people's diets. They are served as an accompaniment to a main course, or more often, the main course itself. Virtually every restaurant offers them as a side dish. They can't be too good for your health. They are double fried in oil and always covered with salt and ketchup. That's kind of typical of most native food. Since the quality of most food here is dreadful, most things are drowned in mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, raw onions, in fact, anything to disguise the flavor of the main ingredient There is a commonly held belief here that platanos (plantains to me) contain a chemical that causes the brain to act more slowly than normal and not function in a normal manner. Platinado is what the locals call someone who is not too bright, or dim witted. Their stupidity is attributed to over consumption of platanos. Another word that wouldn't exist if there was no way to apply it.

No Life Saving Here

What a bunch of fucking savages.

Leocanda is Massiel’s best friend. Leocanda’s mother has been sick for with some sort of lung disease for quite some time and in the last two months had taken a turn for the worse. Leocanda, as a bank employee, had full medical insurance not only for herself, but for her mother was covered as well. When her mother needed to be hospitalized everything was covered and she was able to go to a clinic. In the DR, hospitals are either very cheap or free. They are similar to butcher shops; dirty, no supplies, and poor medical care. Clinics on the other hand are quite costly, a little bit cleaner and a patient is generally attended by their own physician, so the care can be decent. It can be decent. It can also be really shitty. When I saw the lack of care exhibited by Massiel’s gynecologist, when we lost Pinky, I came up with a theory. I believe the doctors in the DR are in cahoots with the insurance companies to provide the least expensive care possible. I believe that the doctors have a working arrangement with the insurance companies to do everything within their powers to give the least costly medical care possible. I believe that the doctors are rewarded financially for not taking “heroic” measures. Rather than work and operate on a person’s leg, the doctor would rather just chop it off. I see more men with only one leg around Santiago in a year than I saw in New York in 50 years. Rather than work hard to save an unborn child our OB-GYN allowed Pinky to be stillborn. He did not try to do one fucking thing to save him. And now, after being in the hospital for two weeks Leocanda’s mother’s doctor just quit on her and sent her home to die. No “heroic” measures just dumped her in the fucking street and probably called her insurance company to find out how much he was getting.

What a bunch of fucking savages.

Pet Peeve #3472

How come whenever I go to a store to buy a common item, 50% of the time, they are out of it. It can be something as simple as an aspirin at a drug store, or a type of candy at a colmado. I don't get it. When I buy something and I realize that it is the last or almost the last one in stock I always make a point of telling the person working there that they are almost out of the product. Doesn't do any good. The next time I go there to buy it, they not only don't they have the product but they act as if they are not supposed to know that, even though I told them.

La Moda Strikes Again

Dominicans will do anything to be in fashion, La Moda. I wrote previously about how many motorists have put colored headlights on their cars, in order to be in fashion. That these lights are blinding to oncoming cars is irrelevant. The driver, no matter how awful and beat up a piece of shit he is driving, is in fashion. About 2 or 3 months ago I noticed a Toyota, probably about a 2002 or 2003 that was missing a piece from its trunk. I noticed that other Toyotas that still had this piece had either a piece that was made of 1/2 red and 1/2 orange reflective material or a plain metal connection between the two tail lights. Slowly I started to notice more and more cars that were missing this piece. This is what they looked like. The top two are the before pictures. The bottom picture is after. Suddenly I started to see lots of Toyotas missing this piece. I decided, not realizing that some cars just had that plain metal piece, that there was someone in Santiago who was finding unattended Toyotas and prying that piece off the car. I went a step further and hypothesized that this thief had all of these reflective pieces on a wall, or walls in their house. Suddenly it appeared as though it was an epidemic. There were missing pieces everywhere I looked. I started to ask others if they noticed it. Some did, most didn't. It got to the point where Massiel and I had a contest going to see who could spot one of these cars first. The first one to see a Toyota that was missing the piece had to say, "There's another one". The ride to or from Massiel's job takes less than 20 minutes and we would always see four or five during this time. Then a few days ago we were at a mall and as I pulled out I noticed a parked taxi with the missing piece and I couldn't resist. We pulled alongside and Massiel asked him if he knew that he was missing a part of his trunk and he told her that of course he did. That was La Moda. DFD

Not That There Is Anything Wrong With It

Jose Alberto was a factory owner and is friend of Rafael, the owner of the factory in which I am currently producing bras. I say currently, because as of the end of next week that venture is over and I will be without a job. Hopefully, that will be a temporary status, but I will write more about that at another time. Jose closed his factory and has entered into some sort of joint venture with Rafael. Jose spends almost every morning at our factory, BISA.
About a month ago Jose, who has a very good sense of humor, called me into his office to read an email that he had received from a psychic. The gist of the letter was that he would be entering a very important phase in his life and that only she, the psychic could help to prepare him for this coming stage of his life through a Tarot Card reading for which she was only going to charge him $60.00. I told him, in a not gentle manner that I don't believe in that crap. I remember telling him that it would give me great pleasure to read that one of these fortune tellers got hit in the head by a safe as they were walking down the street. If they really could see the future, obviously they should have seen the safe coming. I thought about it for a while and tried to think of some way to break his balls. I finally came up with the following email:

Hello:

My name is Ben Dover and about 6 years ago I was hit in the head by a baseball bat. Shortly after that I came to realize that through my accident I had somehow obtained psychic powers. My story has been written about in several newspapers ( The Washington State Beaver, New York Herald Tribune) and magazines ( Psychics Today). The other day, while working with the local Police on a missing persons report I was writing something and for some reason I started to think of James Bond (Agent 007). I had the very strong impression that he needed help. Fortunately before I had a chance to make a fool of myself by doing something foolish I realized that James Bond is a fictional character. But the 007 number stayed with me and I continued to wonder what it could mean. I realized that someone with that email address must be in trouble and I set out to find that person. There is a little known listing of email addresses to which most Police Departments have access and I was able to get permission to use this list to attempt to find the person who has been psychicallyreaching out to me. This is not a form letter, but I am in all honesty reaching out to the many people that have 007 in their email address. Are you the person that needs help, or some form of advice? If it was your message that I have been receiving consider this the start of your answer. If it wasn't you, I apologize for taking up your valuable time.Feel free to contact me if you feel that in some manner that I can help you. There is never any charge for my services.

I hope to hear from you.Best regards,Richard (Dick) Hertz

I laughed my ass off as I wrote it. I waited a couple of days and nothing was said. I couldn't understand why he had no comment. When I asked him about if had heard from his "regular" psychic lately, he told me that he did not check his email too often. I made him check his mail and he found mine and he loved it, once I explained to him that I had written it. I did have to explain a couple of things to him, especially the name play. I told him, in person, that I would do the reading for prices varying anywhere from $55 to $25. He declined.
Apparently, however, my writing to him has opened me up to a barrage of some of the "funny emails" that he regularly gets. Today I received four different pornographic videos. They were not erotic at all, just basically guys with big dicks fucking women in various openings. There was one that featured guys cumming on girls' faces every five seconds and it was so awful that I could not watch it in its entirety. There was also one that was I couldn't open. I tried three times to open it and every time, it froze my computer. For some reason this inspired me to send off the following email entitled How to determine if you are gay:

Ask your self these few easy to answer questions to determine whether or not you are gay:

1) Do you watch a lot of pornography that focuses on the man more than the woman? If your answer is yes, you are probably gay.
2) Do you watch a lot of pornography to see the size of mens' cocks, rather than the sex act itself? If your answer is yes, you are probably gay.
3) Do you watch a lot of pornography where the women appear to be suffering or crying out in pain due to the size of the man's cock? If your answer is yes, you are probably gay.
4) Do you watch a lot of pornography where the most commonly occuring sex act is ass fucking? If your answer is yes, you are probably gay.
5) Do you watch a lot of pornography which features the degradation of women, like cumming on their faces? If your answer is yes, you are probably gay.
6) Do you watch a lot of pornography in which the women are not particularly pretty, wear their hair in a short, manly style and have little tits? If your answer is yes, you are probably gay.
7) Do you send a lot of the above types of pornography featuring men to other male friends? Whether or not you are secretly hoping that they make some comment to you about how much they enjoyed the video (so that they can give you the "signal"), if your answer is yes, you are probably gay.
8) Do you believe that people can actually tell the future by looking at some stupid Tarot Cards? If you do you are probably gay.

Listen you gay motherfucker. Stop sending me your homosexual advertising bull shit.

Oh yeah, one other thing, The Russian Girl video froze my computer 3 times and I never got to watch it. Why not invite me over to your house some night so we can watch it together.

Best regards,

Joel (the funniest guy you will ever meet)