Not That There Is Anything Wrong With It

Jose Alberto was a factory owner and is friend of Rafael, the owner of the factory in which I am currently producing bras. I say currently, because as of the end of next week that venture is over and I will be without a job. Hopefully, that will be a temporary status, but I will write more about that at another time. Jose closed his factory and has entered into some sort of joint venture with Rafael. Jose spends almost every morning at our factory, BISA.
About a month ago Jose, who has a very good sense of humor, called me into his office to read an email that he had received from a psychic. The gist of the letter was that he would be entering a very important phase in his life and that only she, the psychic could help to prepare him for this coming stage of his life through a Tarot Card reading for which she was only going to charge him $60.00. I told him, in a not gentle manner that I don't believe in that crap. I remember telling him that it would give me great pleasure to read that one of these fortune tellers got hit in the head by a safe as they were walking down the street. If they really could see the future, obviously they should have seen the safe coming. I thought about it for a while and tried to think of some way to break his balls. I finally came up with the following email:

Hello:

My name is Ben Dover and about 6 years ago I was hit in the head by a baseball bat. Shortly after that I came to realize that through my accident I had somehow obtained psychic powers. My story has been written about in several newspapers ( The Washington State Beaver, New York Herald Tribune) and magazines ( Psychics Today). The other day, while working with the local Police on a missing persons report I was writing something and for some reason I started to think of James Bond (Agent 007). I had the very strong impression that he needed help. Fortunately before I had a chance to make a fool of myself by doing something foolish I realized that James Bond is a fictional character. But the 007 number stayed with me and I continued to wonder what it could mean. I realized that someone with that email address must be in trouble and I set out to find that person. There is a little known listing of email addresses to which most Police Departments have access and I was able to get permission to use this list to attempt to find the person who has been psychicallyreaching out to me. This is not a form letter, but I am in all honesty reaching out to the many people that have 007 in their email address. Are you the person that needs help, or some form of advice? If it was your message that I have been receiving consider this the start of your answer. If it wasn't you, I apologize for taking up your valuable time.Feel free to contact me if you feel that in some manner that I can help you. There is never any charge for my services.

I hope to hear from you.Best regards,Richard (Dick) Hertz

I laughed my ass off as I wrote it. I waited a couple of days and nothing was said. I couldn't understand why he had no comment. When I asked him about if had heard from his "regular" psychic lately, he told me that he did not check his email too often. I made him check his mail and he found mine and he loved it, once I explained to him that I had written it. I did have to explain a couple of things to him, especially the name play. I told him, in person, that I would do the reading for prices varying anywhere from $55 to $25. He declined.
Apparently, however, my writing to him has opened me up to a barrage of some of the "funny emails" that he regularly gets. Today I received four different pornographic videos. They were not erotic at all, just basically guys with big dicks fucking women in various openings. There was one that featured guys cumming on girls' faces every five seconds and it was so awful that I could not watch it in its entirety. There was also one that was I couldn't open. I tried three times to open it and every time, it froze my computer. For some reason this inspired me to send off the following email entitled How to determine if you are gay:

Ask your self these few easy to answer questions to determine whether or not you are gay:

1) Do you watch a lot of pornography that focuses on the man more than the woman? If your answer is yes, you are probably gay.
2) Do you watch a lot of pornography to see the size of mens' cocks, rather than the sex act itself? If your answer is yes, you are probably gay.
3) Do you watch a lot of pornography where the women appear to be suffering or crying out in pain due to the size of the man's cock? If your answer is yes, you are probably gay.
4) Do you watch a lot of pornography where the most commonly occuring sex act is ass fucking? If your answer is yes, you are probably gay.
5) Do you watch a lot of pornography which features the degradation of women, like cumming on their faces? If your answer is yes, you are probably gay.
6) Do you watch a lot of pornography in which the women are not particularly pretty, wear their hair in a short, manly style and have little tits? If your answer is yes, you are probably gay.
7) Do you send a lot of the above types of pornography featuring men to other male friends? Whether or not you are secretly hoping that they make some comment to you about how much they enjoyed the video (so that they can give you the "signal"), if your answer is yes, you are probably gay.
8) Do you believe that people can actually tell the future by looking at some stupid Tarot Cards? If you do you are probably gay.

Listen you gay motherfucker. Stop sending me your homosexual advertising bull shit.

Oh yeah, one other thing, The Russian Girl video froze my computer 3 times and I never got to watch it. Why not invite me over to your house some night so we can watch it together.

Best regards,

Joel (the funniest guy you will ever meet)