Two Sheets on a cold night

How Come?

2012-01-23T07:12:00.000-08:00

As we, ah... if only there were a we, are aware, I am the funniest person that I know. I am probably the funniest person that most people know. Today as I was driving I was thinking about the dream that I had last night. It's subject was not relevant but what I did find very interesting was that there was no humor involved. It involved nothing funny. This is not unusual. In fact, in thinking about all my dreams, which I often remember when I wake up, none of them are funny. None of them contain glimpses into to my sense of humor, with its characteristic one liners. How could that be?

The Wonderful Thing About Always Being Funny

2012-01-13T13:53:00.000-08:00

Because I am always saying funny things to people I have discovered that I can tell someone the truth, which they may not really want to hear. The good part is that when I say the truth about something I don't like the person just starts to laugh and says something like, "Oh, your so

The Worst

2012-01-12T21:54:00.000-08:00

I have started to deal with a lot of them. Russians are the worst.

And Another Thing

2012-01-11T21:28:00.000-08:00

I have a problem with my prostate with all its accompanying problems but I still can't understand how people using a urinal can miss so much and wet the floor like they do.

I Should Have Been A Doctor

2012-01-11T21:26:00.001-08:00

Just a statement of fact.

Man Size

2012-01-08T16:16:00.000-08:00

Last year I posted a picture of a mannequin in a store window that had the biggest boobs I have ever seen (on a mannequin). While shopping at a store in Higuey I came across her male counterpart.

Sorry Babe, Sometimes I Just Can't Control Myself

2012-01-08T16:12:00.000-08:00

Full Moon, Empty Head

A Truly Defining Comment

2011-10-14T12:59:00.000-07:00

Today, after going food shopping at Nacional, we came home hungry. I had bought this outrageously great bread call Pan Kimbo w/Cheese. It's kind of a twisted loaf of really soft yellow dough with cheese embedded in it. It's the best bread for ham and cheese sandwiches and makes an incredible french toast. When I make french toast with this bread I always cut the pieces really thick. To give you an idea how thick I cut it, I needed 5 eggs for the 4 pieces that I made today. I didn't do such a good job cutting the first piece. It came out kind of crooked, so I ate that piece dry while I cooked the other 4. I gave Massiel the first two slices and then cooked my two. When I finished cooking I joined Massiel at the table. She was almost done. I realized that I had too much and cut a small piece off one of mine and tried to give it to her. Understand that Massiel can eat. Her answer showed a lot about her. She said she didn't want the extra piece. Not because she was too full, but rather because, in her words, "I'm too tired to chew".

It's That Time, In Case You Didn't Know

2011-10-10T09:39:00.000-07:00

I moved here permanently in September 1999.
When I got here one of the first things that I noticed was the Christmas lights.
They were everywhere; stores, houses, businesses. Everywhere. As an American I am used to Thanksgiving as the kickoff for Christmas. Apparently these are hard times here. Today is October 10 and there are no lights anywhere.

First To Criticize

2011-09-05T14:58:00.000-07:00

You can't only say bad things.

Two months ago I got my oil changed at a place called Lubri in Santiago. I paid for it and then as an afterthought I bought new windshield wipers. I gave the cashier 1000 pesos. I forgot to get my change and left immediately for Punta Cana.
When I got home I received a call from the cashier at Lubri telling me that I had forgotten my change. She said that she would hold it till I came back. She told me her name, Sarah Polanco. She wasn't there, but they called her at home. She told them where the money was, and they gave it to me. No hassle, nothing.

Dominican Cars

2011-09-01T20:53:00.000-07:00

I showed the top picture to some locals and they thought this was one of the nicest cars that they have ever seen.

The hooker is sitting in the back seat of the car in the bottom photo. They just drive around until they find a customer, set up the bed, and do their business.

That's Fucked Up

2011-08-28T13:32:00.000-07:00

I'm watching the movie Grown Ups. There's a scene involving a little girl losing her tooth.
Her mother, without realizing it, lets on that there is no tooth fairy. The Spanish translatio for tooth fairy was El Raton Perez. El Raton Perez? Perez the Rat?

That's fucked up!!!!!

Even better:

I just showed this post to Massiel and she told me that until I told her the name she remembered that when she lost a tooth before she would go to sleep she would say, "Ratoncito, Ratoncito, aqui te dejo mi diente para que me des uno nuevo.

Life In Modern Times

2011-08-18T11:29:00.000-07:00

It's really difficult sometimes to live in a world where technology has passed you by. I am pretty good with some things, but others leave me bewildered. It's like my car. I know how to get in, lock the doors, turn on the ignition and drive. That's it. I know how to find websites on my computer. Look, I found this place didn't I? But I really only know how to drive the computer, nothing else.
Massiel brought back an IPad from New York on Tuesday. Wednesday we went to turn in our old phones because our plan allows us to change phones yearly for next to nothin. I got what I always wanted, an IPhone. In order to enable it you have to download this, install that and I have no clue how to do these things. Even the tutorials leave me lost. I have the phone now for 24 hours and I can make calls and that's it.

I just walked into the bedroom and said, "I hate to be computer stupid". Massiel asked, "What do you mean you hate to be computer?"

A Life Influenced Too Strongly By "Seinfeld"

2011-08-12T16:52:00.000-07:00

Went to a luncheon today. Sat next to someone with an advanced case of " The Jimmy Legs". At first I thought it was a motor under the floor where I was sitting. Then I realized what it was.
The same person showed me something new which was actually a great idea. Again from a Seinfeld episode where George is confronted by someone at a funeral for "double dipping"; that is, taking a chip, putting it in the dip, biting off the part that has salsa on it and then putting the rest of the chip back in the dip. Kind of disgusting if you think about it, even though you see it happen all the time. The new method which works especially well if the salsa/dip has pieces of something (tomatoes in salsa, cheese in olive oil, etc.) that you want to get in your mouth. This is brilliant in its simplicity but really effective. Just take the piece of bread, chip, or whatever, and break it into two parts. Put one in each hand, put both pieces in the dip and push them towards each other. Voila!!!, a full chip.

Why Should I Be The Only One To Cry?

2011-08-11T17:59:00.000-07:00

Op-Ed Columnist

Rachel’s Last Fund-RaiserBy NICHOLAS D. KRISTOF

Published: August 10, 2011

Perhaps every generation of geezers since Adam and Eve has whined about young people, and today is no different. Isn’t it clear that in contrast to our glorious selves, kids these days are self-absorbed Facebook junkies just a pixel deep?
No, actually that’s wrong at every level. This has been a depressing time to watch today’s “adults,” whose talent for self-absorption and political paralysis makes it difficult to solve big problems. But many young people haven’t yet learned to be cynical. They believe, in a wonderfully earnest way, in creating a better world.
In the midst of this grim summer, my faith in humanity has been restored by the saga of Rachel Beckwith. She could teach my generation a great deal about maturity and unselfishness — even though she’s just 9 years old, or was when she died on July 23.

Rachel lived outside Seattle and early on showed a desire to give back. At age 5, she learned at school about an organization called Locks of Love, which uses hair donations to make wigs for children who have lost their own hair because of cancer or other diseases. Rachel then asked to have her long hair shorn off and sent to Locks of Love.

“She said she wanted to help the cancer kids,” her mother, Samantha Paul, told me. After the haircut, Rachel announced that she would grow her hair long again and donate it again after a few years to Locks of Love. And that’s what she did.

Then when she was 8 years old, her church began raising money to build wells in Africa through an organization called charity:water. Rachel was aghast when she learned that other children had no clean water, so she asked to skip having a ninth birthday party. In lieu of presents, she asked her friends to donate $9 each to charity:water for water projects in Africa.

Rachel’s ninth birthday was on June 12, and she had set up a birthday page on the charity:water Web site with a target of $300. Alas, Rachel was able to raise only $220 — which had left her just a bit disappointed.

Then, on July 20, as Rachel was riding with her family on the highway, two trucks collided and created a 13-car pileup. Rachel’s car was hit by one of the trucks, and although the rest of her family was unhurt, Rachel was left critically injured.

Church members and friends, seeking some way of showing support, began donating on Rachel’s birthday page — charitywater.org/Rachel — and donations surged past her $300 goal, and kept mounting. As family and friends gathered around Rachel’s bedside, they were able to tell her — even not knowing whether she couldn’t hear them — that she had exceeded the $47,544 that the singer Justin Bieber had raised for charity:water on his 17th birthday.

“I think she secretly had a crush on him, but she would never admit it,” her mom said. “I think she would have been ecstatic.”

When it was clear that Rachel would never regain consciousness, the family decided to remove life support. Her parents donated her hair a final time to Locks of Love, and her organs to other children. Word spread about Rachel’s last fund-raiser.

Contributions poured in, often in $9 increments, although one 5-year-old girl sent in the savings in her piggy bank of $2.27. The total donations soon topped $100,000, then $300,000. Like others, I was moved and donated. As I write this, more than $850,000 has been raised from all over the world, including donations from Africans awed by a little American girl who cared about their continent.

“What has been so inspiring about Rachel is that she has taught the adults,” said Scott Harrison, the founder of charity:water. “Adults are humbled by the unselfishness of this little girl.”

Yet this is a story not just of one girl, but of a generation of young people working creatively to make this a better world. Mr. Harrison is emblematic of these young people. Now 35, he established charity:water when he was 30, and it has taken off partly because of his mastery at social media. (He’s not as experienced in well-drilling, so the wells are actually dug by expert groups like International Rescue Committee.)

Youth activism has a long history, but this ethos of public service is on the ascendant today — and today’s kids don’t just protest against injustices, as my contemporaries did, but many are also remarkable problem-solvers.

As for Ms. Paul, she’s planning a trip on the anniversary of her daughter’s death next year to see some of the wells being drilled in Africa in her daughter’s name. “It’ll be overwhelming to see Rachel’s wells,” she said, “to see what my 9-year-old daughter has done for people all over the world, to meet the people she has touched.”

Rachel Beckwith, R.I.P., and may our generation learn from yours.

•

I Apologize For Not Waiting For Tomorrow

2011-08-11T16:25:00.000-07:00

It will certainly be more timely. Here is one of my favorite lines from Rodney Dangerfield:

I just came back from a pleasure trip. Just took my wife to the airport (bus stop, in my case).

I May Have Posted This Previously, BUT

2011-08-09T14:12:00.001-07:00

Dominican Parking

2011-08-09T14:11:00.000-07:00

The idea is to pull your car in using the minimum effort possible. If that means that your front wheels are within the space and your rear wheels are not, so be it. This is so common.

Exactly Who Do They Think They Are Fooling?

2011-08-09T14:08:00.000-07:00

AND: Don't they have anyone who knows how to spell?

Great Line

2011-08-08T17:58:00.000-07:00

Saw this on TV last night. A guy keeps referring to his second wife as "The Sequel". At one point he says to his friend that he can't understand why this second marriage didn't work out. His friend says, "Maybe if you didn't always call her The Sequel it might have worked out."

An Apology To All Of You Out There Not Reading This/Joachim Zahn

2011-08-08T11:28:00.000-07:00

At various times I come up with incredibly clever ideas for this blog. Great jokes, stories from my past, current events observations, and job related tales. This post is one of them.

It is, however, the only one that I took the time to write down immediately upon thinking of it. Sometimes I think of something, and by the time I take out my Blackberry to make a note about it, I have forgotten it. It's a short term memory problem. I usually carry some paper with me. Sometimes I forget to take it with me. Those seem to be the times when I think of something clever.

And Yet:

Sometimes events of years ago come to mind. They seem to stay with me indefinitely. I was sitting next to one of my dealers, Suyeiki, early one evening and a Country and Western video came on. She said that she really liked the music a lot, but had no idea who was singing. I looked up at the screen and thought I saw that the singer's first name was Joachim. I went closer to the screen at the close of the video and saw that his name was actually Jason, but the Joachim name got me thinking. I started to remember back to the mid 60's. I used to hang out in a Preppie bar called Mike Malkan's. Mike was a whole other story, and a fascinating one at that. This: http://books.google.com/books?id=SsEBAAAAMBAJ&pg=PA42&lpg=PA42&dq=mike+malkan's&source=bl&ots=jqnHHXap21&sig=cJoA58h5Ucr5uzgX4MjAZfXvVtY&hl=en&ei=dCRATo-jJ8TV0QH5reCcBg&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CBYQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=mike%20malkan's&f=false will give you an idea.

I discovered Malkan's in the mid 60's. I used to go there every night, sometime to drink, but more importantly to socialize. It was an amazing place, filled with celebrities, mini celbrities and wannabes. I was considered a regular. One night one of the girls that I had gone out with, also a regular, introduced me to a new friend of hers. His name was Joachim Zahn. He lived in Germany and he was visiting for the summer. Joachim had a summer job working in the Mercedes Benz dealership in Fort Lee, New Jersey. This was right over the George Washington Bridge, about 25 minutes from midtown at non rush hours. He was quite handsome, spoke very good English and was a very pleasant kid. His only bad quality was that he insisted on telling everyone that his father was Chairman of the Board of Mercedes Benz. I would introduce him to friends and I would always say something like, "Joachim says his father is Chairman of the Board, although if I were in Germany I would probably tell people that my father was General Motors." I could live with his wanting to have people think he was something special. We went out on double dates many times. I was driving a Cadillac at the time. My father had always wanted one and finally he bought one. I'll never forget that he didn't want to spend too much on the car so it had no air conditioning. Joachim, working at the dealership, only had experience driving Mercedes, probably just around the parking lot. He was fascinated by my car and wanted to drive it. I knew that my father would kill me if he found out, but one night we made the switch. He drove the Cadillac and I drove a two door sportscar, that was later called the 450SL but I am not sure of the model number for that year. There were no problems and no incidents with the switch. I would often call him at work to make arrangements for the upcoming evening. They would answer the phone, Mercedes Benz Fort Lee, I would ask for Joachim Zahn and they would say, "Just a minute and then he would pick up. That is, until September. I called one day in September and ask for Joachim Zahn and the operator said, "Which one?" I said, "What do you mean which one? How many are there? The operator very politely explained that Joachim Zahn, the CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD OF MERCEDES BENZ, had come to visit with his son. With whom did I wish to speak?

End of story; I was went to dinner at the Plaza Hotel a couple of night later with both Joachim Zahns.

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

2011-07-31T10:32:00.000-07:00

I think that I wrote along time ago about crying at some movies, even comedies. The first one I think that I ever really cried at was BIG starring Tom Hanks. There's a scene where Tom's character goes back to see the playground of his youth. A baseball rolls his way and when he throws it back one of the kids yells, "Thanks, mister". He's not a mister, he's still a kid who just looks much older. But he can go back to being a kid and every time I see this scene I start to cry. I am still a kid, but I can't go back.

Anyway this is just one of many movies that break me down. Today I was watching a real tear jerker, Field of Dreams. Michele, my daughte,r called and we were discussing my crying and she confessed that when she watches BIG and the baseball scene is coming up she starts to cry knowing that if I were there I would be crying.

Never Before Have I Been Called Such A Name

2011-07-28T13:44:00.000-07:00

I said something to Massiel, and she said, "You're so innocent".

I've been called a lot of names but never that.

That was a first for me.

I Have Always Felt That Dominican Women Know How To Display Their Breasts Better Than Anyone

2011-07-13T15:28:00.000-07:00

Even the mannequins

I'm Not The Kind Of Guy To Name Names

2011-07-09T20:01:00.000-07:00

But if I was, I would name this post after you.

Sometimes a person with an inferiority complex should have the complex because he actually inferior. Consequently it is not a complex, it is reality.

It's Not Every Day

2011-07-07T09:34:00.000-07:00

Last night one Poker game slowed to a stop as someone passed around a picture of his favorite fighting chicken and the other players paused to admire it.

Still The Best

2011-06-26T19:19:00.001-07:00

http://i48.tinypic.com/jh6048.gif

The Stars At Night, Are Big And Bright

2011-06-25T19:44:00.000-07:00

Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap

Deep in the heart of Texas. Also here in the DR. Tonight we (Massiel, the girls, Jessica and Kiara, and Grandma) went out for dinner and when we came back we sat out by the pool. I got to do one of may favorite things, which is to look up on a starry night at the millions of stars in the sky.

Best Line Of The Evening

2011-06-25T07:50:00.001-07:00

It used to be if you wanted to see a woman's ass you had to open her panties. Now,if you want to see a woman's panties you have to open her ass.

3 Penis Rule Update

2011-06-24T13:30:00.000-07:00

I am pretty observant. I pride myself on it. I always tell people that as a Poker player I have learned to watch what people do. This applies to all facets of my life including going to take a leak in a public toilet. I specifically mention leak because there is no way in the world that I am going to do the OTHER THING in a public toilet. It would literally have to be coming out of me for me to consider sitting in a public bathroom to take a dump.
Anyway, working in a big casino like Hard Rock, I get to go to whizz a couple of times per night. I am just amazed at the number of people who's parents never taught them to wash their hands after using the bathroom. Tonight I realized that a builder could save a fortune by only putting in one sink for every 25 urinals and toilets. Even then there would never be a line to use the sink. Amazing.

Apropos the above, last weekend I was in Santo Domingo. I went to the Nacional Supermarket and had to use the bathroom. Above each urinal was a sign in Spanish that read, "the Lava manos (the wash hands...that's what they call sinks here) are only to wash your hands. Of course, there was some guy taking a full bath in one of the sinks. I have seen this more times than I care to remember. I actually know the sequence. Interestingly this rarely occurs after going to the bathroom. Some guy just enters the bathroom, starts to wash his face, shampoos his hair (with or without soap), takes off his tee shirt and washes his upper body. Mercifully I have never seen anyone take off his pants to finish off.

I Don't Know Where I Have Been, But I Might Be Back

2011-06-21T16:12:00.001-07:00

Massiel and I had to go to pick up a ticket at the Santo Domingo Airport. There was a young guy there wearing a great tee shirt. It was brown with orange lettering that said, "I'm probably lying". I asked the guy where he got it and he didn't speak English. I knew right away he had no idea of what the shirt said and when I asked him, in Spanish, he said that he thought it had something to do with no problem. I told him what it said and he looked confused, like pissed or something. When I asked him again where he had gotten it he told me that it had been a gift from someone who had come to visit him from New York.

On Age

2011-04-29T19:20:00.000-07:00

Working at the Hard Rock I am constantly in contact with music.
For many years I have told people that I am the oldest living Rock n' Roller.
Of course it's not true. Some of my favorites (The Rolling Stones,the surviving Beatles and others of that era are all a couple of years older than I am.
As I grew up I was always aware that there were an awful lot of people who knew nothing about Rock and Roll music.
What I didn' realize was that they were all older than me.
Now that I am one of the oldest people on earth I have had an amazing awakening.
I see all these dorky hotel guests, people who look as though the only song they know is "Happy Birthday" and they all consider themselves to be rockers.

New York Trip Report

2011-04-07T10:58:00.000-07:00

Spent 5 days in New York and not once did I find myself thinking about someone else, "What a fucking moron".

My New Favorite Story

2011-03-31T02:55:00.000-07:00

Leaving Santo Domingo on the way to Punta Cana you have to pay a toll. It costs 30 Pesos. They have exact change lanes of several different types.
One is for the Dominican version of Easy Pass. There are probably 25 people in the whole country that have it.
Then there are Exact Change lanes which have somone sitting there to make change for you so that you can go through.
Then there is a real Exact Change lanes. Apparently the rule is "have exact change or die"
This lane is located right next to the one where thay make change.
I'm in the exact change lane with about 8 cars behind me when the car in front of me gets to the toll machine and the driver realizes that he does not have the exact change. The passenger jumps out with a 100 peso bill and starts to walk to the next lane to get change from the person making change. The army person, stationed at the toll is busy talking with the "change" woman. When he sees the passenger walking towards him he tells her to get back in her car. When she explains that she needs change he menacingly lifts his rifle (just a little, but enough to get his message out) and tells her to get back in the car. He then insists that they back their car out of the toll, which is, of course, the most difficult of all possible solutions because now myself and the 8 other cars behind me all have to back up as well. He says that he doesn't care, BACK UP!!!
So I hop out of my car, give the 30 pesos to the driver and everyone goes about their business.

$5 Snapple

2011-03-31T02:49:00.000-07:00

No thanks. Not that thirsty. I am flying to New York.
I am waiting here at the Punta Cana airport. I stopped at the food stand, picked a bottle of Snapple from the cooler.
The cashier told me $5. I told him no thank you.

Well at least it got me to post again.

it's Official

2011-02-03T19:56:00.000-08:00

As of this coming Monday, February 7, I am really fucking old.

And I hate it.

Think He Is Sexist?

2011-01-14T20:15:00.000-08:00

I was talking with someone about a woman I knew. I said that I thought that she was an amazing worker.
I said that you only have to mention something once or ask her to do something once an it gets done immediately.
My friend looked at me and said ,"Yeah, sounds like she's a man of a woman"

She Has Been With Me So Long That She Is Starting To Think Like Me

2010-12-26T11:37:00.000-08:00

As Massiel was coming out of the shower I was admiring her body. She is kind of top heavy and I was reminded of the first time I saw her in the casino about 7 years ago. My comment to a friend was, "Wow, I just want to see them." When I reminded Massiel of this comment her answer to me was, "See them, you married them."

How To Seduce A Born Again (We Know Someone Like That)

2010-12-25T08:52:00.000-08:00

You: Oh baby, I am so horny for you.

She: I am sorry but I am no longer like that. I have finally found myself and I want to remain a righteous woman.

You: But baby, I need you now. I really am so horny for you.

She: I am not like that anymore. I know that I was, but you have to, respect me now and accept me for the clean living woman that I am.

You: I do respect you. I just have this aching in my loins for you. I know how much your religion means to you now and the last thing I would want to do is to make you stray from the path that you are on. That is why I want you to stick your hand in my pants and meet "Baby Jesus".

She: Baby Jesus?

You: Yup. And not only that but I want you to witness the miracle of him going from baby to full grown man in only seconds.

She: A miracle in your pants? This I have to see.

And When The Cloud Lifted

2010-12-16T07:49:00.000-08:00

Here I am in Punta Cana as the Poker Director for the nicest hotel in a city filled with beautiful hotels. I went through a stage where I was working in a call center. I hated it and wanted out, but I needed the money. Actually after a while it wasn't so bad. Ex prisoners can make very pleasant work companions. I got to like quite a few of them. I just never told them my real name or where I lived (for safety sake). A friend I had once helped to get a job, Orlando Torres started working here and when the general manager told him that he was looking for someone to take over the Poker Room, Orlando told him about me. I sent a resume and literally 15 minutes later I had an interview set up, and three days later at the end of the interview I got the job.
I am here now for 6 days and I am loving it. I work for people who want to do things as quickly and as well as is possible. Instead of the Dominican/Spanish mentality of "Manana", I am now dealing with an American sensibility. What a huge difference.

And of course when things are looking good, good things happen. Take today for instance. I had to deposit money into Massiel's account. First I went to Banco Santa Cruz to change my dollars to pesos. I spoke to a customer service rep who gave me a better rate exchange than was posted. Then I found a Banco Popular nearby. It was so crowded that when I walked in I asked one of the 50 or so people on the line waiting for a teller if they were giving money away today. I couldn't see myself waiting on a line like that so I left. I asked the security guard outside if there was another branch nearby and he directed me to one that was less than 5 minutes away and absolutely deserted. I walked right up to the teller and made my deposit. I was passing by the original branch that I went to in less than 8 minutes. Then I stopped at the "biggest supermarket in town" to buy some razors. I was in there the other night and in typical Dominican fashion the cashier had no change and she beat me for a peso, and she didn't even offer me a piece of gum to make up the shortage. This time I checked the price before I bought it, just to make sure that I had the exact change. I did. When I paid her I said, " You know, last time I was here you beat me for a peso". She gave me a peso. Boy was I happy.

Little things, but sometimes, as the song says, "little things mean a lot".

It May Not Seem Like Much To You (But After A While It Just Wears You Down)

2010-11-30T05:56:00.000-08:00

I don't sleep well at night. To make it worse, most mornings I wake up early to take Massiel to work. I don't want to, but since I have to leave before she is done with work I can no longer let her take the car and that means she would have to take a concho, and that is a seriously horrible way to start your day. It's bad enough that she has to take one home. OK. No big deal. I get up. So then, after I get home from driving her and just as I am getting ready to fall asleep she calls and asks me to take something over to her grandmother's house. Her grandmother needed something in our refrigerator in order to make lunch, and how can I say no.
There is a bakery, Lumejor, that makes the best baked goods in the city. My favorite thing that they make is Pan Pizza. It is really fabulous. The problem is that they never have it. I stopped yesterday morning on my way to the airport and they had a whole pie in the display case. Foolishly I only bought one slice. Sometimes it is very good and other times it is absolutely fabulous. This time it was so good that I was immediately sorry that I had only bought one piece. When I passed by the bakery later, about 2:30 there was nothing left. After I dropped the food off, I stopped at the bakery to buy more. Again they didn't have any. That means for probably 20 hours they didn't have a product that they ALWAYS sell out of right away. I have spoken to the owner several times and asked why if they always sell out of this immediately, why don't they make more. He told me it was a good idea. Naturally nothing was done to change the policy. I was forced to go to another nearby bakery which is no where as good as Lumejor, but they make a chicken roll that is quite good (the Lumejor chicken roll is too greasy). I was waiting in line and some guy parked his motor bike right in front of the door, blocking it, came inside and proceeded to walk in front of myself and the other people waiting patiently for their turn. This happens all the time so I gave him my usual, "What am I, invisible?" greeting. Dominicans have this thing that they do when they either don't hear clearly or don't understand what you said. They twitch and wrinkle their noses like chipmonks. This is like asking "What?" only in a primitive sort of sign language. After he did that I made it clear that I and the others were waiting there before he came in and that he should wait his turn. He went to the back of the line. You see shit like that all the time. Someone encounters a line and they think nothing of just walking to the front of it. That is why I have my "invisible" question always at the ready. When my turn came I asked for the chicken roll to go. The girl tooke the roll, put it on a plate, and handed it to me. I said, "No, to go, with plastic wrap" and she was like, "what a great idea" and then she wrapped it and I left. Then when I got home and I called Massiel to told her that I had dropped off the package at her grandmother's the girl that answered the phone told me that she was in the kitchen, could I call back. Usually if Massiel is in the kitchen I can call her and she will answer her cell phone. She didn't answer so I texted her and again she didn't answer so I called back again and the same idiot answered the phone and told me that she was in the kitchen. I asked her to connect me to the kitchen and she asked me if I wanted to leave a message. I told her that I wanted her to put me through to the kitchen, something that has been done a thousand times and this time she did. It seemed as if it was too much for her to connect me the first 3 times I asked.

Doesn't seem like much does it? It isn't, but after a while it just wears you down.

Not The Brightest Bulb

2010-11-23T06:49:00.000-08:00

So we are trying to get Massiel her residency. We needed an address to which we could mail her green card, if and when she gets it. Since we would probably go to visit my friend Jon in Alabama as our first trip to the US we decided to mail it there. I called him today and got his address. I called Massiel to give it to her.To protect Jon's privacy I have changed the address. I said to her, "Here is Jon's address":

Dr. Jonathan Friedman, 5643 Grand Forks Avenue, Mobile, Alabama, 33454

I had her read it back to me and she repeated everything back to me perfectly.

She called me back 5 minutes later and asked, "But, what is his name?"

Now here is the best part. I showed this to Massiel and he r response was,"Oh fuck. I spelled his name wrong".

New Work Rules

2010-11-22T16:06:00.000-08:00

When you enter the bathroom, if you must, be careful. Only pee. Don't even think about taking a dump. That is out of the question. If you must pee,only pee in a toilet that is open. Never, ever, ever open a toilet seat. Pee in your pants before you open up a toilet cover. You never want to see what's in there.

I Don't Know

2010-11-19T17:47:00.001-08:00

I really don't.

Sports Update

2010-11-09T11:31:00.000-08:00

Today's Standings in the Dominican Winter League

Team W-L Avg. Diff.
AZUCAREROS 14 - 10 .714 --

ESTRELLAS 14 - 10 .714 --

ESCOGIDO 14 - 8 .571 2.0

LICEY 15 - 6 .400 4.5

AGUILAS 15 - 5 .333 5.5

GIGANTES 14 - 4 .286 6.0

They can play baseball, but they sure can't do the math.

The REAL Quote Of The Trip From Jon

2010-11-06T05:54:00.000-07:00

"I have become everything that I always said that I wanted people to shoot me if I became."

Trip Report

2010-10-31T08:07:00.000-07:00

On the 14th of this month I left Santiago to visit with a childhood friend. Jon and I have been friends for about 55 years. We met briefly in Hebrew school. In the 9th grade (1959-1960)I transferred to Horace Mann, a private school in NYC, and Jon and I have been good friends ever since.

My flight left Santiago at 8:30 for Miami. We got in at 10:30 and then I had a NINE HOUR layover until my next flight. The walk from where my plane landed to the customs station felt like it took 30 minutes, but definitely took at least 10, although I am sure it was more. And don't forget, I walk at the pace of a New Yorker (quickly).

My first observation was of the price of chewing gum at the airport. I don't know if it was some sort of special product but it was $2.19. That is an amazing price.

I was surprised that some people with a lot of luggage were using the old "wheelchair" trick to allow them to go to the head of the line at customs if they had a lot of luggage. That is a refinement of the "I need a wheelchair to get on the plane trick" which is used just to get to be allowed to enter the plane before everyone else.

With all that time to kill I decided not to go to a nearby casino to lose what little money I had, but rather to head out to a nearby discount mall in order to spend it on things that I can't get here, like candy and nice clothing cheaply priced. When I asked at the information booth I was told that the mall was 5 minutes from the airport. Coming back to the airport the trip took about 8 minutes, maybe a little less. What the woman at the information booth neglected to tell me is that the shuttle bus stops at every hotel on the way to the mall and that getting there takes almost 40 minutes.
After walking through about 1/3 of the mall and making a few purchases I came to the food court. I was hungry, so the timing was great. In looking around my first thought was that I was going to have a tough time deciding where to eat. That is until I saw that there was a girl handing out samples of the Teryaki chicken at the first stand. As I was sampling this I realized that there was someone at virtually every stand, either in front of or behind the counter, trying to entice you to eat there by giving you a free sample. It didn't take long to decide where I was going to eat. I ate every free sample that was given and finished the food court absolutely full. The should change the name to "The Free Food Court".

After about an hour and a half of walking around shopping I was starting to get a little tired. As luck would have it I came across some massage chairs. I think it was $2 for 5 minutes. I figured I would try it. Wow. What a great massage. Hard to believe that a machine could give that satisfying a massage, but these chairs were great.

One of the things that really struck me after a while is that NOBODY in the mall spoke English. Everyone spoke Spanish. I was amazed.

For those of you who watch "The Jersey Shore" 1/2 the young girls in the mall made every effort to look like Snooki.

I asked a man a question and he answered in a very not Spanish accent, "Excuse, please, I don't talk English". Doesn't anybody in Miami speak English?

When I got back to the airport, as soon as I started to look for my next flight, I realized I was fucked. When the overhead sign says "Gates 1-60 and you are leaving from 60, you know you are screwed. After walking part of the way I decided to take the Sky Train, a monorail that goes to all of the American's gates. The best part is that when I finally got near to gate 60 I realized that it was down a flight of stairs at the end of the row of gates and when they call your plane you go out through a door and they PUT YOU ON A BUS to the plane. Of course, the first plane we got on was having problems, so we had to change to another plane, again getting there by bus.

Having lived in the DR for 11 years one of the things that really struck me was the condition of every public bathroom I entered (and with my prostate problem, trust me, I entered a lot). They were all spotless. Every stall had a seat (amazing), every sink had soap and paper towels and/or really efficient hand blowers, and they all had baby changing tables. One bathroom "complex" had a Men's room, a Women's bathroom and a Family Bathroom. What the hell is a Family bathroom?

I had a wonderful time with Jon and his wife Betty. They were as hospitable as possible. Jon and I spent most of the time just talking. Amazingly with all the history we had there were no, "do you remember when.....? stories, or "how about the time.... anecdotes. Mostly current events both personal and worldwide. There was nothing unusual in that, Jon and I have always had an up to date conversation pattern. We spent quite a most of our time at his beautiful beach house, near Pensacola. Jon is in love with his really fast, really beautiful speedboat and we went riding a couple of times, including one trip to a seafood store that was a pretty long ride by boat. This store had the largest selection of fish and shellfish that I have ever seen. There was a huge assortment of prepared foods as well, and we ate what we bought there for a couple of days. Friday I went to the Walmart store and Ihad a ball. I love Walmart. I miss Walmart. On Sunday we drove to his house in Mobile, and along the way we stopped at another discount mall. I love discount malls. I miss discount malls. We spent the rest of the day watching football. I had a wonderful time. My favorite quote from Jon came when we were talking about something involving California and Jon referred to the people living there as "Those yogurt eating cocksuckers". Pure Jon.

The trip back included a layover of only 3 hours. Piece of cake. The airport at Pensacola was filled with a bunch of religious nuts. I overheard this conversation more than once: "How are you? Fine, how are you? I am blessed.

The stewardess dropped the bag of ice on the floor and all drinks were served at room temperature. It didn't matter to me because when I am traveling, I try to drink as little as possible, but some people were really pissed.

When we got off in Miami I had time to kill so I decided to walk from my arrival gate (#59) to my departure gate (#7). I took a leisurely stroll and once I was smart enough to pay for a cart to carry the 30 pound bag I was carrying it was a pleasure. It took 50 minutes.

My last impression of the US was provided by a young couple with a child waiting for their flight with a stroller. On both sides of the stroller they had afixed Latte holders.

I had a great time.

That's A Problem

2010-10-30T20:35:00.000-07:00

I never heard of the host of tonight's Saturday Night Live. His name was either John Ham or John Hand. Doesn't really matter. I am sure he is someone famous and I have absolutely no idea who he is.

Oh yeah. I drank tonight for the first time in maybe 5 months. I really don't know why I did. I had enough to get really drunk, and maybe I am, but where is the good feeling?

No Trip Report.........Yet

2010-10-22T19:55:00.000-07:00

I promise I will write a report about my great trip to visit my oldest friend, Jon, in the not too distant future.

For now, however you will have to be satisfied with this. I am working in a "BoilerRoom" booking trips to a hotel in Canada. Most of my fellow workers were deported for various criminal activities. I looked over tonight to see one of my neighbors looking at a web site for something called "Crime Spree". I asked if that was a video game. He told me that it was like Farmville on Facebook. Then he told me that he was not very good at Farmville because he kept forgetting to water and harvest his crops. And then he added, "But I was very good at crime".

Massiel On Hunger

2010-10-11T17:23:00.000-07:00

"Don't talk to me about anything, don't tell me anything,I just want to see my food."

I Have Written A Letter Like This Several Times (But In A Phone Call)

2010-10-03T16:01:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven’t posted lately, but I am too busy being ground down by life.

VANCOUVER — Today Hunter S. Thompson is remembered as a literary icon, whose classic works and impetuous personality firmly stamped his place into the hearts, minds and graphic T-shirts of a malleable generation.
With his seminal classics — Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail '72 and Hells Angels — he spawned "Gonzo journalism," a subjective style of journalism that incorporates the author into the story.
His fiery prose was fuelled as much by wit and vibrant description as it was by mescaline and Wild Turkey.
But in 1958, Thompson was still a struggling journalist, living in a tiny basement apartment in New York's Greenwich Village, burdened by crippling debt.
On Oct. 1, 1958 — 52 years ago Friday — self-professed to be in a "frenzy of drink," Thompson penned a letter of application to the Vancouver Sun. He had heard about the paper through an article in Time magazine — where he worked briefly as a copy boy for $50 U.S. a week — that praised the paper's new editorial direction under Jack Scott.
Scott, whom Thompson had addressed his letter to, was a Sun columnist who was appointed editorial director in September 1958.
According to Time, the "tart-tongued" Scott "unleashed all of his formidable flair for spectacular stunts" in his new role, which included sending the football editor to Formosa (now Taiwan) to interview Chiang Kai-shek, the leader of the Republic of China, and the women's page editor to Cuba to cover the aftermath of the revolution.
He was promptly demoted in March 1959, summing up his brief stint with, "It was a ball while it lasted," according to Time.

Vancouver Sun

TO JACK SCOTT, VANCOUVER SUN

October 1, 1958 57 Perry Street New York City

Sir,

I got a hell of a kick reading the piece Time magazine did this week on The Sun. In addition to wishing you the best of luck, I'd also like to offer my services.

Since I haven't seen a copy of the "new" Sun yet, I'll have to make this a tentative offer. I stepped into a dung-hole the last time I took a job with a paper I didn't know anything about (see enclosed clippings) and I'm not quite ready to go charging up another blind alley.

By the time you get this letter, I'll have gotten hold of some of the recent issues of The Sun. Unless it looks totally worthless, I'll let my offer stand. And don't think that my arrogance is unintentional: it's just that I'd rather offend you now than after I started working for you.

I didn't make myself clear to the last man I worked for until after I took the job. It was as if the Marquis de Sade had suddenly found himself working for Billy Graham. The man despised me, of course, and I had nothing but contempt for him and everything he stood for. If you asked him, he'd tell you that I'm "not very likable, (that I) hate people, (that I) just want to be left alone, and (that I) feel too superior to mingle with the average person." (That's a direct quote from a memo he sent to the publisher.)

Nothing beats having good references.

Of course if you asked some of the other people I've worked for, you'd get a different set of answers.

If you're interested enough to answer this letter, I'll be glad to furnish you with a list of references — including the lad I work for now.

The enclosed clippings should give you a rough idea of who I am. It's a year old, however, and I've changed a bit since it was written. I've taken some writing courses from Columbia in my spare time, learned a hell of a lot about the newspaper business, and developed a healthy contempt for journalism as a profession.

As far as I'm concerned, it's a damned shame that a field as potentially dynamic and vital as journalism should be overrun with dullards, bums, and hacks, hag-ridden with myopia, apathy, and complacence, and generally stuck in a bog of stagnant mediocrity. If this is what you're trying to get The Sun away from, then I think I'd like to work for you.

Most of my experience has been in sports writing, but I can write everything from warmongering propaganda to learned book reviews.

I can work 25 hours a day if necessary, live on any reasonable salary, and don't give a black damn for job security, office politics, or adverse public relations.

I would rather be on the dole than work for a paper I was ashamed of.

It's a long way from here to British Columbia, but I think I'd enjoy the trip.

If you think you can use me, drop me a line.

If not, good luck anyway.

Sincerely, Hunter S. Thompson

Who Is Happier Than Her

2010-09-21T18:25:00.000-07:00

Massiel went shopping today and bought some stuff for our bathroom. Our shower curtain liner had a hole in it and the other bathroom needed a new curtain, so she bought stuff for our bathroom and put the old stuff in the other bathroom. Here is the new rug and the new curtain (please note the holders, she is especially proud of them)and the new rug, and Massiel sitting in the bathroom admiring her good taste. She also said no one is allowed to crap or fart in our bathroom anymore.

My Trip To Santo Domingo

2010-09-14T17:16:00.001-07:00

The reason that this picture of this food is so blurred is that it was spinning at about 60 Miles Per Hour.
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What is a 7 foot rooster doing in front of a milk company?

They might be saving water, but the stench is not worth it.

A Joke

2010-09-13T16:59:00.000-07:00

A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name...and forgot to write a letter.

Maybe True, Maybe Not, Doesn't Matter

2010-09-12T15:21:00.000-07:00

In addition to the many official papers (birth certificate, marriage certificate, etc.) that I was told to bring with me to the US Embassy to try to get Massiel her visa, I was told that I had to bring proof of our personal relationship. Since all our accounts (electric, apartment lease, water, etc.) are in Massiel's name because they were all set up prior to my getting my Cedula. I asked if our wedding pictures would be appropriate, and I was told that something showing our relationship would be more appropriate. I asked if pictures of my getting a blow job would be proof of our "relationship".

A Dominican newspaper took a poll of its readers. The question was:

If the only thing that Dominicans want to read is the Sports Section, why does the newspaper have news of the country and the world?

87% answered, "They do?"

The Most Important (And Most Observered) Law In The D.R.

2010-09-09T15:17:00.001-07:00

The Law Of Minimum Effort

Where It All Began

2010-09-06T14:02:00.000-07:00

6 years ago today. Happy Anniversary Baby.

Another Reason Why I Hardly Ever Watch Sports

2010-09-01T14:16:00.000-07:00

Dolphins Scour Field For $50,000 Earring

Ten players were on their hands and knees, poring through the grass for a 2.5 carat diamond earring that belongs to DE Kendall Langford. That'll lower his bling rating in the next Madden update.

Things (And People) I Don't Like (A Lot)

2010-08-31T20:28:00.000-07:00

Dick Armey
David Gregory as host of Meet The Press
Christane Amanpour as host of This Week
The new Sports reporter on Channel 4,who I refuse to watch. I don't even know his name. When he comes on I switch to Channel 7 News
The conservative right
Newt Gingrich
The emphasis on celebrities who are famous only for being famous
The Kardashians
The success of Jersey Shore and the emptyheaded louts that star in the show
The inability of Dominicans to confront the truth
Team Coco
Jimmy Fallon
The fact that Charmin Basic Toilet Paper is now made of much thinner paper
Ali Velshi

Anonymity Vs. Face To Face

2010-08-31T09:00:00.000-07:00

An observation:

Dominicans are as rude as they can be when they think that they are anonymous. You see it every day in how they drive.
And yet, in face to face situations they always pretend to be well mannered. I first noticed this at the Poker table.
The biggest theiving scumbag comes to the table and what does he do first? Why, of course, he walks around the table,warmly greeting each player with a
hello followed by a "sincere" handshake. This same guy will later try to steal chips from
his neighbor's stack if possible. I was reminded of this disparity today. Massiel asked me to go with her for an appointment with her doctor. His office was in the hospital on the fifth floor, which means that you have to take the elevator.
As people got on what quickly became a crowded elevator they tried to personally greet each occupant. All that was missing was the handshake.

Sorry

2010-08-29T15:38:00.000-07:00

Sorry I don't know how to edit out the stuff on the right hand side. An album called "Let Me Touch Him" featuring 4 ministers somehow seems inappropriate to me.

I Am A Very Lucky Man

2010-08-29T14:58:00.000-07:00

I found Massiel.

(That is not the original post, but this blog is subject to censorship and it got censored.)

On A Serious Note

2010-08-23T08:23:00.000-07:00

I really agree with the ideas expressed here:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/22/opinion/22rich.html?_r=1&emc=eta1

Bull Leaps Into Bullring Stands In Spain, 40 Hurt

2010-08-19T07:05:00.000-07:00

Good.

Too bad it was only the people in the stands. Had he gotten a couple of the matadors that would have been even better.

Thanks For The Memories, Boys

2010-08-17T20:04:00.000-07:00

These are my two cats Harry (top) and QD. Tonight they did something that brought back memories from the early 1970s. I worked, at the time, with a guy by the name of Ron Scala. Ron had a girlfriend named Jay. Ron used to do a lot of cocaine and he never used to like to share it with anyone, no less his girlfriend. It's the kind of a drug that when you have it, you don't really want to share. Jay was always checking Ron's clothing to see if he had any with him, but after a while he got too smart for that and he always made sure that if he had any, that it was hidden. She knew he was getting high, but she couldn't prove it. Until, that is, she developed the fool proof test. Jay discovered that if she stuck her finger in Ron's nose and then tasted her finger that she would be able to tell, by the little freeze her tongue would get that he had done some coke.

QD sometimes bullies Harry, especially when it comes to food. Tonight I wanted to give Harry a special treat, without giving any to QD. I wanted him to feel special. When QD was in the bedroom I closed the door and went to the kitchen to get the special cat treats that I keep in the house. Harry was scared to eat them because right away QD started to make noise. QD could tell from the sound of the package, through the door, what I was doing. It took a lot of coaxing to get Harry to eat them and even then after he took a piece I had to coax him to take another. Finally we finished and I opened the bedroom door. A la Jay, QD went up to Harry and licked his mouth, checking for the telltale scent or taste of food.

You Got A Problem With The Repairs We Made To Your Car?

2010-08-17T20:02:00.001-07:00

I think our name about tells the whole story

Fuck You, OKAY?

It Depends On How You Look At It

2010-08-15T13:46:00.001-07:00

If you see the yellow as the background you can easily see the Batman Logo. However, when I first saw this logo on a T-Shirt I didn't see it that way. I was in California when I first saw this T-shirt. I was in a very hip boutique shopping for styles to knowk off. I can't remember the name of the store but it was very fashion forward. They had this T-shirt on sale long before the Batman movie was due for release. I loved the shirt. Since I was looking at it and seeing the black as the background to me it looked like a big open mouth with teeth on the top and the bottom. I wore it home and told Bonnie that I bought it because it reminded me of her and she said, "I remind you of Batman?"

Until she said it, I never knew.

Improperly Named TV Program

2010-08-15T12:10:00.001-07:00

I am currently playing in two online Poker tournaments. Playing well in tournaments is kind of boring. Massiel is watching TV and I am dividing my time between the TV and the computer. The program Massiel is watching is obviously modeled after the US program "America's Got Talent" which was copied in London as "England's Got Talent" and I would imagine by countless other countries. There are people dancing in groups. They are awful, in almost every performance someone is out of step with the others.The three judges are normally very laudatory of the performances. Once in a while one of them doesn't have anything nice to say so she doesn't say anything. There is one judge who never saw a bad dance group, and probably wouldn't recognize talent if she saw it. She gives high scores, 8s, 9s, and the occasional 10. The name of the show is Aqui Se Habla Espanol.

I would have called it "Dominicans Have No Talent".

Check This Out, Carefully

2010-08-10T10:56:00.000-07:00

I should start by saying that I can't stand Joan Rivers. A long time ago she was funny, but I don't appreciate her sense of self importance, and once you don't like someone it is difficult to find them funny. She normally looks as though her surgically constructed face is melting. In going to check out David Lettermans monologue I came across this picture and was struck by its resemblance to the Joker as played by Jack Nicholson in the first Batman movie. To really appreciate the likeness click on the photo twice, to make it as large as possible. It's the exact same mouth they gave the Joker, just made up a little differently.

My Favorite Spot

2010-08-09T10:53:00.000-07:00

Hispaniola is a beautiful island. There are gorgeous views all over the island. My personal favorite, so far, is a hill that is located on the road to Puerto Plata. Massiel and I went to Maimon for seafood last week and we passed the hill. This time I stopped and took pictures.

I Can't Believe That I Eat Here, But I Do And It's Great

2010-08-09T10:29:00.000-07:00

Parada Johan in Maimon

Today I Needed Some Space

2010-08-08T14:10:00.000-07:00

I qualified for two large Poker tournaments on Party Poker. Both were FreeRoll tournaments and both had pretty substantial first place prizes. One paid $8000 for first place with only 480 entries and the other paid almost $4000 for first place, but it had 6500.
I told Massiel that since one started at 1:30 and the other at 2:00, I would probably be busy most of the day and I suggested that she plan to do something outside, so that she wouldn't be bored watching me play all afternoon. I lasted until 2:10 (in the 2:00 tourney) and until 2:15 in the earlier one.
It's 5:20. She is still out and I am posting on my blog.

The Thinker

2010-08-08T12:53:00.000-07:00

A couple of years ago there was a Poker player who was a regular at the Almirante Poker game. Everybody called him Pensador(Thinker). I never think of Dominicans as appreciating the art of sarcasm, so I never really understood how he got the name. The guy was as dumb as a wall, and a horrible Poker player, to boot. He was awful, clueless, and very vain. When he would win, he would put this look on his face like he was better than everyone else. I guess it was a look of pride. He would win a lot of hands every night but, as with most players who play too many hands, he generally lost money every time he played. I guess what was important to him was that he got to make his "I'm Superior to you" face.
The other night I was playing at the Almirante and I happened to think of him and wondered why I hadn't seen him. When I was told the answer, I replied, "Don't kid me, where is he". The person I asked swore that what he had told me was the truth. The answer I was given was that he had been arrested for stealing cows, and was currently in jail.

Perfect

Our Neighbors, A Truly Special Class Of People

2010-08-07T12:08:00.000-07:00

Listen to this and you will understand:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTGc_oLgwGY

Why I Slept Like Shit Last Night

2010-08-04T05:52:00.000-07:00

I have some nasal problems that sometimes inhibit my ability to sleep through the night. Add to that the following and you'll understand why I am a little tired today:

I wasn't really tired but knew that I had to get up early to drive Massiel to work this morning, so at about 12:00 A.M. I tried to go to sleep. I have this breathing "trick" that I use that puts me to sleep no matter how tired I am.

1:30 First time I woke up. I was sleeping on the "wrong" side and consequently was breathing through my mouth, which got very dry. Got up and had some chocolate ice cream to refresh my mouth. Back to sleep.

2:30 "Wrong side again". Ate a brownie, while watching Poker After Dark and then fell asleep again.

3:45 Received a phone call. I had no idea what the language the caller was speaking, but it was the wrong number, regardless. Didn't eat.

In addition I had some weird dreams not necessarily in this order:

I dreamt that I was in Manhattan, trying to park my car, saw that I had passed a couple of spaces, as apparently had the guy behind me. As we both were going backwards really fast, he stopped quickly, and I smashed into him and then he ran away from the stolen car he was driving.
I dreamt that I was in my apartment, again in the city and I heard a loud noise and looked out my window. There was a helicopter landing on an aircraft carrier that was parked outside my window.
I was in a foreign country with a friend. We knew that when it was time to leave that we would have to take several flights to get home. After the first flight, while we were waiting for our first connection we found out that the flight had been cancelled with no replacement flight listed. Then another friend came to tell us where we had to go to find out about making a connection, but my friend convinced me not to go. We sat there and smoked cigarettes. I am 2 years, 4 months, and 22 days without smoking (but who's counting) but I still dream about it. I don't remember any more about this dream.

As you can see, I was too busy to sleep well last night.

Conversations With My Beloved Part 3

2010-08-03T20:24:00.000-07:00

MB: (on telephone) OK. I am ready to leave. Can you come pick me up at Carolina's house.

Me: Sure. Where does she live.

MB: I don't know.

My Alter Ego

2010-08-02T07:03:00.001-07:00

Not My Idea, But It Sure Gets My Vote, Part 1

2010-08-02T06:53:00.000-07:00

My Hypothesis:

Some is capturing douchebags....tagging them.....

Part 2

2010-08-02T06:49:00.001-07:00

...And releasing them back into the wild.

The Names Have Been Changed To Protect The Innocent

2010-08-01T19:50:00.000-07:00

No they haven't. I have just forgotten them.

The other title I thought of for this post was "Early Sex Stories"

There was a girl who worked as a waitress at a bar that I hung out at when I first moved to Manhattan. The bar was called Mike Malkan's. It had a very preppy crowd. I can see her in front of me, but I can't remember her name. I was probably about 22. One night I asked her out. Out in those meant going somewhere to fuck. I had the perfect place. My father's business, which I was running since he had gotten sick had a great office with a really large, comfortable, green leather couch. We got started and before I knew it we were ready for the main course. I, of course, was not a great lover at that point. I got in her and realized that I was ready to come. I said, "Don't move" to her, but it was already to late. So, naturally, I looked at her and said, "You moved". That became her standard greeting for me whenever she saw me after that.

Stephanie lived with her parents in an apartment in the Apthorp building on Broadway and 79th St. The Apthorp is one of the most magnificent apartment buildings in the city. Nora Ephron wrote a short essay about living there and how grand it was. Stephanie's parent's apartment was enormous. If I remember correctly it was about 4 bedrooms with a formal living room, separate dining room and the biggest kitchen I have ever seen. Anywhere. Her room was right across the hall from her parent's room in the back of the apartment so if we wanted to fool around we used her brother's room which was all the way in the front. That way no one could hear us. One day we were fooling around and I had my penis out, while still having my pants on. All of a sudden she said, "Oh no, my brother is home." So I quickly closed my zipper only there was something stuck in it. I ran into the bathroom, quietly screaming in pain still stuck in the zipper. I waited a minute or two, in amazing pain, waiting to figure out what to do. Stephie came in and said that she had been mistaken, her brother had not come home. At this point I didn't care. I was stuck in my zipper. I will spare you the details but I just want to point out that the worst part was not being stuck. The worst part was knowing that I was going to have to unzip my zipper to get myself out.

Andy Grossman lived in the Fleetwood Section of Mount Vernon, where I was brought up. One day, in our Junior year he came to school all smiles. He had gotten laid by his house cleaner. The next day invited a bunch of us over to share. We did.

I will never forget this name, The Scott. It was an apartment building on 103rd Street in Manhattan where there were hookers. I think I went there with some high school fraternity brothers in my Junior year of high school.

Not The Lab For Me

2010-07-27T21:24:00.000-07:00

I had to return to the lab that always has the closed sign on the door. This time I went with Massiel. I felt as though I was cool because I ignored the sign and just walked in. In the actual lab area the furnishing are kind of spare, just a few seats, a couple of desks with Petrie dishes on them and loads and loads of pizza boxes. I am sure they serve some sort of purpose, but I have no clue what that might be.

There Really Should Be A Law That Relates Height To Width

2010-07-27T21:14:00.000-07:00

Women Have Been Seen Fighting In Supermarkets To Buy The Right Shape

2010-07-27T21:09:00.000-07:00

There Are Balls Here, Wherever You Choose To Look

2010-07-27T21:06:00.000-07:00

The Best Day Of My Life

2010-07-25T12:24:00.000-07:00

I'm watching "City Slickers", a movie about dealing with aging, although in this case the age being reached is 40 (not 65 with which I have to deal). This was Billy Crystal's funniest movie. There is a scene where Crystal and his two friends are riding along and one of them asks the other two to tell him what was the best day of their lives, not counting the day their children were born. I got to thinking about how I would answer the question.

In 1990 I left a pretty good job to take a chance of opening my own garment manufacturing business. I had no where near enough money to do it on my own, but I knew that I did generate enough sales to support a business. I found someone, Mitchell Dobies, with an existing company who was willing to be my partner and to supply me with the necessary support to operate. When I told my daughter that I was leaving the company that I had been working for she was very unhappy, until, that is, I told her that I was planning on naming the company after her. Then it was OK. Her name is Michele, with one L and I called the company Wonell. My deal with Mitchell entitled me to 50% of the profits. The only downside was that he was only willing to invest $50,000. He said that once he reached that point, he would go no further. Right after we started two of the buyers with whom I had done a lot of business were transferred. They had committed to giving me a substantial amount of business, but once they were transferred, all promises were void. Four or five months later I had gone through the $50,000, and Mitchell came to me and said that I could continue to use his office space and my desk, while I looked for a job somewhere else, but that he was no longer going to pay me. I decided that since I had just shipped some test orders and was expecting them to do well, that I would wait it out. About 3 weeks later I got the greatest call of my life. I had shipped 400 dozen of a pull on pant to WalMart. The call was from the buyer and the question she asked literally turned my life around. The question was, "How many pants can you get me and how quickly can you get them to me. I don't remember the exact number, but I probably told her That within 3-4 weeks I could get her somewhere around 240,000 pieces. She took the 240,000 and gave me a future order for 500,000 more for about 6 weeks later. That same afternoon, the large size buyer, having heard from her Missy counterpart how good my pants were selling, called and ordered 300,000 pieces more, in large sizes. That came to about $4,000,000 in orders, which ultimately led to a $20,000,000 a year business with Walmart.

That Friday I did get paid.

Distraction

2010-07-17T17:35:00.000-07:00

I discovered a game show called Distraction on TV a couple of weeks ago. I watched the whole show tonight. It is amazing. There are four contestants at the start. They play a series of elimination games until there is only one left. The person who answers the fewest questions in each round is eliminated. Tonight the games were as follows:
Game #1 Each contestant has a table and on the table are a bunch of live mouse traps. A question is asked and in order to signal that you know the answer, you have to raise your hand. First hand up gets to try to answer the question. However, you must have a mouse trap on your hand to raise it and you have to let a trap snap shut on your hand to make that happen.
Game #2 Each contestant, one at a time has to put their heads inside of a fish tank. They do this by putting their heads through the hole that has been cut in the bottom of the tank. Their are no fish or water in the tank. Instead, there are live pigeons walking around. The contestants head is what the birds are walking and shitting on. While this is going on, the questions are asked.
Game #3 Now they are down to the two remaining contestants. They are dressed in goalie's uniforms and have to signal in when they know the answer to the question. As they are called upon, two professional hockey players shoot pucks at their bodies as hard as they can.
The winner of this constest gets to play the final. Five prizes are shown. In this case they were a very expensive computer, a plasma TV, a Vespa motor scooter, a DVD player and a years supply of Rice A Roni. For every answer that the finalist gets wrong he has to push down one of five plungers which are connected to a prize, which then blows up.
What a great show. What kind of demented mind thought of this?

Conversations With My Beloved Part 2

2010-07-14T20:04:00.000-07:00

MB: What time are you coming home?

ME: I really have no way of knowing what time I will be done, you know that.

MB: I wasn't asking you what time you would be home, I just wanted to know about what time you would be home.

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Photo Dump

2010-07-08T12:26:00.000-07:00

I am not exactly what you would call computer literate, but I am sure that, strange as it sounds, something on my computer changed. I could not upload pictures to my blog. I went to an internet cafe today and I had the same problem using their computer. The guy working there showed me how to get around the problem. Below are some of the many photos that I wanted to post previously.

Smiley Dog

2010-07-08T12:22:00.000-07:00

Now That Is A Plate Of Food

2010-07-08T10:36:00.000-07:00

Under The Spreading Chestnut Tree The Village Smithee Stands

2010-07-08T10:31:00.000-07:00

When I went to get my Cedula in Santo Domingo, I needed to get some photocopies made and I was directed to the street around the corner to this outdoor copy shop. What do they do when it rains?

The Famous Hotel MIRASH

2010-07-08T10:30:00.000-07:00

Portable Laundry

2010-07-08T10:26:00.000-07:00

I Imagine This Product Used To Be Called AIDS

2010-07-08T10:25:00.000-07:00

The New Scam

2010-07-08T10:21:00.000-07:00

I have said that there is nothing a Dominican would rather tell you than "No" or, "I don't know", so that they can avoid helping someone, but they have now taken this to a new level. I went to the hospital to drop something off at the lab and there was a sign on the door that said CLOSED. Of course, it was only closed if you didn't know that it was open.

The Road To The Free Zone

2010-07-08T10:19:00.000-07:00

Antoine

2010-07-08T10:14:00.001-07:00

Only Thing Missing Is A "No Hitchhiker" Sign

2010-07-08T10:12:00.000-07:00

More Is Better?

2010-07-08T09:50:00.000-07:00

Why just paint a couple of small lines when you can use so much more paint this way.

What is a Filament Stick?

Thanks Ringo

2010-07-07T16:27:00.000-07:00

I think I have mentioned it before, but in case I haven't, whenever I see someone from back from my youth I usually find it upsetting. My normal response is, "My G-D, how old I have gotten." Someone sent me a DVD of a Rolling Stone's concert at the Beacon Theater in New York. I got one look at Mick and that thought raced through my mind. It is not, by the way, a thought that is accompanied by good feelings. I never really feel old, unless I am looking at myself in the mirror, which I try to avoid, or when I am looking at someone my age. My G-D look how old I have gotten. It never fails. When not faced with empiric evidence of my age, looking out from inside my head, I still feel like a young man. Well today something happened involving pictures of a contemporary and I feel really good. Today is Ringo Starr's birthday. He is 70. Wow. 70. But he looks great and as I watched the story on the news I could only think about how young I still am. Thanks Ringo.